Metroman

I've been a little quiet of late and whilst I could bore you with all the details of how crazy and ridiculously busy my life has been lately, I'll instead just tell you that:

1. My husband is back home with Emily and I finally!
2. The shop has opened and so far so good with the need to already re-order stock as it's been so busy
3. My website for the shop is almost done
4. We've realised life is way too busy and we now have a gardener/handyman who can pick up the slack and do all the jobs we never have time to do (this is huge for us since we're scrooges when it comes to stuff like this).

So that stuff out of the way I can resume blogging as normal right? Well I thought I might cover off one other area. I have consistently referred to my husband as 'hubby' but it's never sat well with me. It's my choice to blog about my life but he deserves some privacy so whilst I need to call him something, I don't want to use his name.

Our friends have often referred to him affectionately as Metroman. This is because he takes pride in his appearance, often goes to spa's for waxing and treatments, uses a face moisturiser and dresses like one of those models in a Country Road catalogue. He loves his labels and probably stresses more about what he's going to wear than I do. It's not uncommon for me to hear him say "I've got no clothes", something you'd expect from me, not him.

But he's also incredibly manly, fixing our daughters broken bike on the weekend, installing shelves in my shop, changing the flat tyre on my car etc.

So Metroman is a fitting name to refer to my husband. I'm so lucky that we got a second chance and in talking to him about my blog and how it helped me through all those nights where I thought I'd go insane with loneliness and despair, he said he wants support me in all area's of my life, including the shop and the blog.

I'm working on a post about his illness and how everything turned around. I think it's important to tell the story as I fund it so hard not knowing anyone going through our situation and people should know there can be a happy ending.

We're still working on ours and it's still one day at a time but every moment that passes and every day we get through gives us hope for a bright and happy future together.

Back to life

Life finally feels like it's getting back to normal around here. We're back to work, back to 6am starts with a toddler, back to the housework and back to paying bills. The mundane life I adored has returned.

Somehow it's a better kind of normal. There's more sharing of the load, there's more caring and there's more loving. I keep waiting for it to end but so far so good.

I feel like I can set some new goals now. The new shop is built and next on the list is the website. Do I dare start planning for our dream house? A family holiday? Another baby? Right now I think I'll start with planning the rest of the month. If we can make it through that in one peice I'll plan until Christmas and then reassess.

It's easy to get carried away in this blissful bubble. It's not totally perfect but it feels pretty damn close. And like I said, part of me is waiting for it all to end, the other part is lapping it up and enjoying all that I've missed out on in the last couple of years.

 

One day at a time......one day at a time.......

Finally! Answers!

I haven't been able to blog for the last week and a bit. It's been both due to time and just because I haven't been able to put the last week or two's events into words until now. 

Oh where to start.....

Petit Armoir is finally up and running. Not everything got done on time such as the website, wallpapering the back wall, some stock hasn't arrived yet and not everything was put into the computer by opening. But I still managed to pull off a huge grand opening and even though I was meant to close at 2pm, people were still trying to get in at 2:30pm and I didn't get out the door till well after 3pm. 

All of this was achieved despite massive personal challenges over the last 2 weeks. For anyone who's ever been married to or lived with someone suffering from anxiety and/or depression, you know what a roller coaster it can be. Every day you wonder what mood the person you love will be in. Will he be happy? Will he be sad? Will he be angry? It's been the most difficult two years of my life and over the last week it all came to a head. 

I won't go into too much detail but finally there is a sense of relief. Rock bottom was finally hit and although it's not how both he and I would like the diagnosis and realization that there was something wrong to have happened, we're both glad it did. I nearly lost him, but with some help from a wonderful medical team and friends and family, we now have a diagnosis, a treatment and a plan. There's more hope than there has ever been. 

It's no surprise that this week I feel completely flat. I've been running on pure adrenalin for so long now that it seems even though all the drama has stopped, my brain can't quite slow down. I'm craving silence. Even the tapping of the keyboard drives me crazy. It will pass. It's the waiting I hate. Time heals and all that. 

Emily is of course over the moon. She's settling more easily and happier to go to childcare knowing she has both Mummy and Daddy home. 

So a new beginning and a bright future is in store. I'm determined to quieten my mind this week and stay focused on what's important. My family. 

Moving

Wholly crap what a week! 


I have been struggling to come to terms with what's been happening and I've been going insane not being able to blog because we moved house on the weekend and there is still no internet connection. 


I'm taking five minutes out today to write something because I just need to get some shit out. 


So we moved on the weekend. It was sad and I didn't want to do it. People keep asking how's the new place and am I happy. the answer is no, I'm not happy. I want my almost perfect life back. I had a wonderful husband and a fantastic big dreamy house with enough room that I could have my own sewing/creative room and Emily had a big back yard to play in. Now it's just me and her in a little 2 bedroom unit and I'm doing everything on my own. 


Well not entirely on my own. My Uncle John drove an hour and a half from his place to help me and Dad load furniture all day Saturday. Mum looked after Emily all weekend and has been there every time I've needed a shoulder to cry on or to help me tackle the groceries with a toddler. My family has been fabulous. 


It's night time that's the worst. I'm lonely, I'm bored. No internet means I can't just blog away because tackling that keyboard on the iPhone does my head in. I've sent the iPhone battery dead every night this week reading my favourite blogs and wishing I could comment on the posts. 


I get random text messages from him asking about irrelevant things like what did Emily eat for dinner and why did I change our marital status on Facebook? He's stressing over the little things again and I've had to tell him to give me space. 


My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm disappointed, I'm revealed that he's finally admitted to having a problem, I'm hopeful of a resolution and a reunion. 


I'm grateful to all my wonderful friends who near and far have been a great support. One friend sent me this today and it was just so true I had to share it with you. 

I think I'm definitely in the one week later stage. Lets hope I look like the girl with arms outstretched months later. I think if nothing else this picture shows how resilient women are. We can do anything and we can also be a great support to each other. 

A Little Bit Angry

I haven't written for a while. Life is pretty shit around here at the moment. As of Saturday I'll officially be a single Mum on a bloody pension due to the shop not drawing a wage anymore and my husband telling me almost two weeks ago that he "just can't do it anymore".

It's not fair. This wasn't in my life plan and I certainly didn't ask for it. Humiliation has been the overriding emotion this week. Having to line up at Centrelink and receive phone calls from the Department of Human Services who ask all sorts of lovely personal questions about sleeping arrangements, bathroom times and sexual activity so they can determine that I am now "un-partnered" but still living under the same roof. This is all so I can claim some measly amount that will pay the rent each fortnight but not the bills or groceries.

Yep! I've reached the angry stage. I no longer care that he has anxiety, that he's depressed. I'm sick of the "woe is me" and the constant complaining about how terrible his life is. I want to strangle him. I want to tell him "mate you don't know how great you have it!" I want to scream at him that he's giving up a life that lots of people could only dream of having.

Today a customer came in to buy his almost two year old girl a pair of shoes. He was a bus driver doing a charter from Melbourne to Sydney and stops over for a hour in Albury for a break every two days. While checking out the various styles he realised he couldn't remember the size and had to ring his Mum to ask her what to get his daughter. So I asked him if he was a single Dad and he told me his ex-wife ran off with an 18 year old boy and he was left to raise his daughter on his own. He drives a bus 10 hours a day which he hates but it makes good money and it's all the work he could get since he lives in a country town.

This is where I sit back and say "you could of had a life like that". You could have been married to an alcoholic who goes out partying every night and runs off with someone half her age. Instead my hubby has dinner on the table every night, a daughter who loves him, a clean house, an awesome job doing something he loves and getting paid well for it, good health and a wife who loves him and would stand by him always. But apparently that's all too hard for him.

Anyone who knows someone suffering from anxiety and depression knows that they can be volatile and difficult to read human beings. It's like playing pass the parcel all day everyday and you never know if when you finally remove that last layer if your going to get something good or are you going to get an explosion.

The last couple of years have been hard. I never know what mood he'll wake up in or what I'll come home to after work. He escapes reality by sitting on his computer all night. I think he's always found life difficult but now it's become way too hard and he can't take it anymore. Still, I'm angry. I want to shout "suck it up princess!" but I can't.

There are lot's of "if only's" at the moment. It's hard not to think that way.

The Week That Was......

God I've been hopeless this week with my blog! Totally neglected it. Even the awesome bloggers who have more than one child and are attending the blogging awards managed to post something.

Well if you've been wondering what I've been up to, here goes.....

• Working like a crazy woman in the shop to get all the product on the shelves so Mum doesn't have to do anything but sell while I'm away

• Sewing, sewing, sewing! I'm determined to feature some of my own creations at the next Little Me Markets

• Toddler wrangling. This consists of negotiating bath, PJ's and bedtime routine with a 20 month old. She's a determined little bugger who managed to scream her head off till 9:15pm last night!
• Getting Emily checked out by the doctor because she had an epic stack in our driveway and a day later her eye was still swelling.

• Cooking dinner every night. Doesn't sound like much but we always do at least one to two take out dinners a week as we both work and it can be hard to get something cooked in time for Emily (we don't get home till about 5:45pm and by then she's starving and crazy). The reason I'm cooking every meal is because we're trying to save money for our big trip to Ireland.
• I must be totally crazy because I also committed to another market before our trip. Now I'm doing the Little Me Market on 15th April in Wodonga and the Golden Horseshoe Festival in Beechworth on 7th April.

To top everything off I have developed a lovely sinus infection. Albury-Wodonga sits in a basin and pollen hangs around for most of the year. We have gorgeous Autumn trees but when their leaves begin to fall so do these potent fury spores along with their seeds. They cause havoc with my sinuses which over-react to the pollen and I inevitably get an infection. Now the infection has spread to my lungs so I've had to start two courses of anti-biotics or else it will become full blown bronchitis and I won't be able to travel.

Speaking of travel, I can't believe we're leaving in 2 1/2 weeks! I'm excited and nervous and very stressed. Taking a toddler on a plane is a daunting task in itself, but the longest flight I've been on is 5 hours to Bali. I didn't even get jet lagged. I have no idea how I'll handle the flight let alone how Emily will handle it. Then there's my hubby who is terrified of flying and will have to be sedated the entire trip, so I'll also have very little help with Emily. I'm just praying we have nice flight attendants who will give me some tips.

Anyway, I'll try to make an effort next week to blog a bit more often. What a crazy crazy life.....but I wouldn't have it any other way!

A Girl Needs Her Mummy - Even in Her 30's

Today was day two at the new Day Care centre. It is seriously amazing how much better I already feel about them looking after Miss E. OK so this morning wasn't the best drop I've ever done but at least when I picked her up this afternoon I got information I needed to help me cope with her when I got home.

Case in point..... Miss E only slept for 50 minutes today because she has a cough and it woke her up. As a result of not getting enough sleep she was grizzly and wanted lots of comforting this afternoon and because this centre had more staff than the government requires it means she actually got cuddles. In fact she was getting them when i turned up at 5pm to pick her up.

When I dropped Miss E off this morning she was distressed to say the least. She had her arms and legs wrapped firmly around me and was not letting go. I love that the girls help with things like this. I handed her over feeling guilty as hell that I was leaving her like this. I quickly escaped the center and jumped in the car. Breathing heavy and trying to hold back the tears i must have sat outside for at least a couple of minutes. The Director came running out and tapped on my window and told me not to worry, she had already calmed down and they were about to do some dancing which is one of her favourite things.

At the old centre none if this sort of thing happened. There was no information at the end of the day so you go home wondering why your child is clingy and cranky and climbing the walls. If there's a bump or bruise you have to ask, not be told or called and incident reports were always late.

My parents also returned from their holiday in NZ today. I can't believe I'm in my 30's and need them this much but I was so relieved they came home today. Miss E is spending all day with her "Mama" tomorrow and she's already excited. It's a relief for me too as I had no casual to work in the shop tomorrow and no childcare available.

Amazing also that all my anxiety over what was happening with the shop when we go to Ireland was releived by Mum offering to work there while I'm away so I don't have to pay wages (that i can't yet afford). Dad said he'd come in one night and put up the new fittings that I've had trouble getting to and i booked someone to train with me on Friday so I can have a regular Wednesday girl and not worry about Miss E being away from me 5 days a week again.

I know I'm in a blessed situation with my family support and not everyone has it like I do. So I thank the Gods, stars and higher beings for giving me this opportunity and now I just hope I can make them proud by making my business a big success.

How Was Your Day Dear?

I'm single parenting at the moment as hubby is on "a business" trip. This business trip happens to be in Coffs Harbour in a 5 star luxury resort and his room, with it's king size bed and spa, overlooks the ocean. He tells me tonight that he spent a hard morning brainstorming in an IT workshop, then spent the afternoon in the pool and got sunburnt.

I on the other hand was woken at 6am by our screaming toddler, who by the way didn't go to bed until 10pm last night! My morning shower was taken whilst Miss E had her face pressed up against it crying "Daddy" and staring at me like I could magically produce him. After getting us both dressed and breakfast, cleaning the house, doing the dishes and putting on a load of washing I had to answer a phone call from hubby just as I was about to race out the door. Apparently it's not nice to just hang up on someone who tells you they just woke up (it was 8:30am) and what a glorious sleep he had. Really? Do I GAF???

Dropping Miss E off at daycare I politely ask if they can please make sure she wakes up at 1:30pm as she hasn't been going to sleep at night and I want to tire her out so she'll go straight to bed tonight. This is followed by a lecture from the childcare worker advising me I enable her too much by giving her too many cuddles and I should just let her cry it out. She tells me they have no trouble getting her to sleep during the day. Well that's just great!

I get to work and my back room looks like a nuclear stock explosion. There is literally no room to move and so after spending the first hour rearranging I finally am able to make my way to the kitchen where I find a mouse has accidentally got caught in the trap my Dad set behind the fridge 6 months ago. I feel sorry for him. I also feel disgusted and dry retch as I pick up the trap and throw the entire thing in the bin. I'll just buy a new one, it's too much to ask me to get the thing out of there!

I go to put pictures of my new Gaia Organic Cotton Winter 2012 collection on my website and realise that my computer just wiped the shop copy of the stock images. Aaaarrrggghhh!!! Another job I'm going to have to do at home on the trusty Toshiba.

Gaia Organic Cotton Winter 2012 Preview

 After this discovery I decided to have a go at doing a new window for the shop. Originally I wanted to do a Red and White theme for Valentines Day, but my new Eternal Creation range hasn't arrived yet and so I'm having to make do with Pink and Blue. I think it still turned out pretty good.

 Anyway, picked up Miss E from childcare and found they had let her sleep for over two hours today so she was not tired at all. She also had a big scratch on her face which they couldn't tell me how it happened. This is not the first time I've had these kind of issues, however luckily we are on the waiting list for our preferred childcare centre in central Albury and hopefully soon we'll have a great place where I don't have to worry.

Tonight it took until 9pm to get Miss E off to sleep. We raced around the back yard when we got home, made dinner, had a bath, watered the garden, read books and played until she was exhausted at 7pm. Then as soon as she lied down and I turned out the light the crying game started. I ignored, painted some new shop fittings, did another load of washing, took out the garbage, checked Facebook, until I heard the whiny cry change to a distressing scream so I raced back in to find her soaked in sweat and she had vomited all down the front of her PJ's.

I cleaned her up, gave her some warm milk, cuddles and kissed her and told her it would be OK, put her back in bed and held her hand until she finally drifted off to sleep.

Then hubby called........

Seriously I couldn't give a toss how wonderful your damn resort is and how you plan to take me there one day!

Apparently it's rude to hang up on someone when there telling you how wonderful their life is when your day has been so shitty.....

How was your day?

My Sensitive Soul

I've just read a post by Mrs Woog about her son and his feelings about his new class and it's made me think about my own little miss.

I was a very independent child who could always walk into a room full of strangers and just start talking away about whatever was going on in my head at the time. It got me in trouble on more than one occasion.

My little Miss E on the other hand is very different to that. She is clingy and sensitive and doesn't like disruption to her routine. She gets very attached to her carers at childcare and if a new person comes in she freaks out.

Last weekend we went to a birthday party. It was only the second one we've been too since I lost my mothers group when we moved to Albury. The party was for the three year old child of a friend of mine so when we arrived there were about 30 kids running around in the play centre. Miss E totally lost it. She clung to me like glue, arms and legs wrapped tightly around me and any attempt at putting her down resounded with "no, no, no!"

Luckily we were late and they were up to cutting the cake so while all the kids went into the food room to sing happy birthday, Miss E and I had the bouncy castle all to ourselves. At first she just stood on it looking scared while I made a complete fool of myself leaning onto it (because the age limit is 8) and saying "Oooohhh, aaaahhhh, c'mon jump!" and holding her hands attempting to get her to jump. After a couple of minutes she moved, then tried to jump, then giggled, jumped again and before you knew it she was having a great time.

The other kids came out of the food room one by one after about half an hour so by then we had moved to the slippery slide and she was pretty calm. About 10 minutes before the party ended Miss E decided it was safe to play with the other kids.

I know now that I should get to a party early so Miss E has time to gradually get used to the kids arriving and is not overwhelmed by huge crowds. I also know I may have to ease her into playing with others and be aware when things might change to help her adjust.

Parenting is definitely challenging. I have very little patience and Miss E challenges that every day. Maybe that's why we were put together. She teaches me to be patient and I teach her confidence.

By the way Mrs Woog from Woogsworld is up for a Bloggie. I think she's awesome and if you agree you should definitely vote for her at http://2012.bloggi.es/