Thursday, May 31, 2012

A Little Bit Angry

I haven't written for a while. Life is pretty shit around here at the moment. As of Saturday I'll officially be a single Mum on a bloody pension due to the shop not drawing a wage anymore and my husband telling me almost two weeks ago that he "just can't do it anymore".

It's not fair. This wasn't in my life plan and I certainly didn't ask for it. Humiliation has been the overriding emotion this week. Having to line up at Centrelink and receive phone calls from the Department of Human Services who ask all sorts of lovely personal questions about sleeping arrangements, bathroom times and sexual activity so they can determine that I am now "un-partnered" but still living under the same roof. This is all so I can claim some measly amount that will pay the rent each fortnight but not the bills or groceries.

Yep! I've reached the angry stage. I no longer care that he has anxiety, that he's depressed. I'm sick of the "woe is me" and the constant complaining about how terrible his life is. I want to strangle him. I want to tell him "mate you don't know how great you have it!" I want to scream at him that he's giving up a life that lots of people could only dream of having.

Today a customer came in to buy his almost two year old girl a pair of shoes. He was a bus driver doing a charter from Melbourne to Sydney and stops over for a hour in Albury for a break every two days. While checking out the various styles he realised he couldn't remember the size and had to ring his Mum to ask her what to get his daughter. So I asked him if he was a single Dad and he told me his ex-wife ran off with an 18 year old boy and he was left to raise his daughter on his own. He drives a bus 10 hours a day which he hates but it makes good money and it's all the work he could get since he lives in a country town.

This is where I sit back and say "you could of had a life like that". You could have been married to an alcoholic who goes out partying every night and runs off with someone half her age. Instead my hubby has dinner on the table every night, a daughter who loves him, a clean house, an awesome job doing something he loves and getting paid well for it, good health and a wife who loves him and would stand by him always. But apparently that's all too hard for him.

Anyone who knows someone suffering from anxiety and depression knows that they can be volatile and difficult to read human beings. It's like playing pass the parcel all day everyday and you never know if when you finally remove that last layer if your going to get something good or are you going to get an explosion.

The last couple of years have been hard. I never know what mood he'll wake up in or what I'll come home to after work. He escapes reality by sitting on his computer all night. I think he's always found life difficult but now it's become way too hard and he can't take it anymore. Still, I'm angry. I want to shout "suck it up princess!" but I can't.

There are lot's of "if only's" at the moment. It's hard not to think that way.

Monday, May 21, 2012


I can feel change in the air. The leaves are falling, mornings are frosty and cold, the woolens have been pulled from the cupboard and the summer flowers are dying.

But there is warmth. The fire is burning and it is emitting a warm orange glow that is mesmorising and relaxing. It gives me hope.

At night Emily and I sit in front of the fire and relax before bed. She snuggles into me and touches her face that is being warmed from the fire and tells me "hot". It's precious moments and I miss her the rest of the night.

Change is in the air and I welcome it. I am hopeful for big things and grateful for the small thinghs in my life.

Bring it on!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Big Chop!

When things aren't going right in your life what else can you do but chop your hair off?

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided I needed a change. I'd been thinking about it for a while but it took a major event to spring me into action.

I've had long straight hair for as long as I can remember. It has been every color but always long and straight. Yesterday morning I decided it was the day to get the big chop. Yes I was going short!

I've been trying to find something for a before photo but it's been difficult since I've hardly worn my hair out in 3 years. My hairdresser Jill said to me before I went on holidays that if I wear my hair up more than 3 times a week I need to chop it off.

This is my before picture taken in Cairns a few years ago because that was the last time I had it down.....Sad because it was still the same color and cut until last night.

We looked though lots of hair magazines and discussed lots of options. I was dead set not having a bloody fringe so Jill convinced me that I should have something that swept to the side that was "sort of a fringe, a bit like it but different".

She began chopping away, then got frustrated, told me to close my eyes and go to my happy place. She grabbed all my hair into a ponytail and did one big chop. And then it was short......

I was sure this was a small terrier dog that had snuck into the salon but apparently that's my hair!

20cm of length gone in one chop! It was freeing. I already felt lighter, like I'd lifted a weight.

So for the final result......

Sort of fringe my arse!

I wish I'd done it years ago. I wish I'd had the guts to change and do things for me, not what I thought someone else would want.

Onward and upwards I say!

In other news the Baobab and Levi stock came in yesterday and I love it! Great quality and it's going fast. This weekend I have the Little Me Market where I'm taking a heap of kids clothing from the shop and also some handmade children's clothes and accessories. Fingers crossed the sun is out and people are in the mood to shop!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Makin' Lemonade

Last night and this morning I was pretty disillusioned about my life. How did everything turn upside down so quickly? What did I do wrong? How am I going to fix something I have no control over?

This afternoon I decided fuck it! If I can't do anything about it I might as well get on with things. Everything might work out and that would be great, things might not and if that happens I know I'll survive. It will be hard and I'll have a lot of sorting out to do but I'll be OK.

One thing is still certain. I have a daughter to raise and a business to run.

While we were on holidays the shop was pretty slow. And with little money coming in and lots of bills to pay I really have to pull my finger out this week and get some extra sales through the door.

I've come up with a plan. I have a small amount of summer stock that I need to move so I thought I'd start with that. It's currently sitting on a 50% off rack but being so cold it's not moving. So I've decided to have a Facebook sale. It's a Market Night where my customers can purchase excess summer stock at below cost price in a one off offer. If you want to check it out you can go to my Facebook page at .

The second part of my plan is to win some free advertising for the shop. Tiny & little are having a competition to win a full free page ad in their Winter 2012 issue out June 1st. All I have to do is receive the most votes and my little shop Bearly Worn wins! So I've asked all my FB fans to go there and vote. If you feel inclined (this is a bit cheeky) I would also love your vote. Just got to tiny & little and type "I vote for @bearly worn" so that the shops page is tagged and the vote gets counted.

Hopefully this gives me something else to concentrate apart from my personal problems and makes me a little money just in case.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Really Shitty Night

What do you do when your pleasant life starts to fall apart?

Tonight I came home from work and my lovely world was rocked to the core. I can't say how as I don't know if it's a permanent or temporary situation and I have to consider that family members may read this.

More so I just can't sleep right now as I have too many thoughts going through my head. How will I get over this? How will I forgive? Will life ever be the same? How will I protect my daughter? How will I survive?

I've never been good with bad news. I'm the type of person who has to talk through their problems in order to accept the outcome and right now there is no one to talk to. Right now I'm sitting alone in my lounge room wondering what I'm going to do.

The only positive I'm holding onto is that the news is only a maybe and hopefully not a definite. there is a glimmer of hope that it will never happen if some steps, difficult steps, are taken and issues worked through.

I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but I do feel like I've just been able to share my woes with a friend, even if that friend is just my laptop. For that I'm grateful.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Smack

Did you watch 60 minutes last night? I did and I wasn't shocked at all by the amount of debate it has raised today.

The story was whether or not we should smack our children. If you missed the story you can watch it here.... 

After this story I had to admit I was torn on the issue. I admit I have smacked Emily. This is not something I'm proud of. As a parent you can sometimes feel at your wits end repeatedly saying no over and over again with no positive response. Sometimes she would even look at me and laugh. I justified in my head that smacking was OK if she was going to hurt herself (i.e. strangle herself with the blind cord or burn herself on the stove).

After watching last nights show I really sat down and thought hard about when I smacked Emily, why I smacked her and what effect it had on her.

Hubby hardly ever smacks Emily. When he says no she listens. Why is that? Why is it that when I say no she pushes and pushes until she's pushed all my buttons?

I thought about the various types of punishments we have dished out in our house and what has worked most effectively. At the moment the 1,2,3 and then a time out in her room seems to be the most effective. My hubby likes to hold her close when she's having a tantrum and remove her from the room until she's calmed down and initially I thought this was awful. I'd watch her scream and squirm in his arms completely frustrated. However it works. Eventually she stops and now he only has to say a stern "no!" and she stops the bad behaviour as she knows Dad means business. Geez I hate it when he's right!

I thought about Emily's response each time I smacked her and the first time I did it she was shocked (and so was I) and she cried. Now days she either bites or scratches me in return so I think what I've taught her is that it's OK to be violent when you don't like something.

Looking back on last nights program there was a young man who was featured in a 60 Minutes program some years ago on the same subject. His Mum consistently hit him with a spatula and his response years later was very interesting and thought provoking. He said that he found it hard to respect someone who didn't respect him as a child. He felt she didn't respect him because she hit him. She pointed out that they are from different generations and would naturally disagree on this issue. This may be true. But she inadvertently pointed out that as the new generation of parents we can learn from our parents mistakes.

I remember when I was 12 or 13 I was really testing the boundaries with my parents. I would sneak out, deliberately disobey, play one of against the other. I was a mean, mean girl who had lots of hormonal angst and God help me if Emily does to me what I did to them! (She probably will and more since I believe in Karma) This one particular day I had my mother in tears and my father just couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed my arm and smacked me hard. This was probably the second or third time I was ever smacked (and the last) and my response was to run away. Probably not the response my parents hoped for. They wanted me to behave. Instead I did the opposite and ran from the house and kept going until I'd walked right across town and to a friends house. Obviously my friends mother did the only responsible thing she could do and called my parents who immediately came and got me. I look back on that moment now and think I must have pushed them beyond their boundaries to feel they had no other option but to smack me. However I also know that the smack didn't get the positive response they wanted from me.

Physics law says if you put a positive and a positive together you get a positive. If you put a negative and a negative you get a negative. It makes sense that if I want a positive response from my child I should use positive reinforcement.

How do you discipline your child? I'm really interested to know what other Mums and Dads do and does it work?