Makin' Lemonade

Last night and this morning I was pretty disillusioned about my life. How did everything turn upside down so quickly? What did I do wrong? How am I going to fix something I have no control over?

This afternoon I decided fuck it! If I can't do anything about it I might as well get on with things. Everything might work out and that would be great, things might not and if that happens I know I'll survive. It will be hard and I'll have a lot of sorting out to do but I'll be OK.

One thing is still certain. I have a daughter to raise and a business to run.

While we were on holidays the shop was pretty slow. And with little money coming in and lots of bills to pay I really have to pull my finger out this week and get some extra sales through the door.

I've come up with a plan. I have a small amount of summer stock that I need to move so I thought I'd start with that. It's currently sitting on a 50% off rack but being so cold it's not moving. So I've decided to have a Facebook sale. It's a Market Night where my customers can purchase excess summer stock at below cost price in a one off offer. If you want to check it out you can go to my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bearly-Worn/123812704350325 .

The second part of my plan is to win some free advertising for the shop. Tiny & little are having a competition to win a full free page ad in their Winter 2012 issue out June 1st. All I have to do is receive the most votes and my little shop Bearly Worn wins! So I've asked all my FB fans to go there and vote. If you feel inclined (this is a bit cheeky) I would also love your vote. Just got to tiny & little and type "I vote for @bearly worn" so that the shops page is tagged and the vote gets counted.

Hopefully this gives me something else to concentrate apart from my personal problems and makes me a little money just in case.

A Place In The Sun

Hooray for the sun coming out! We've got 12 days left of our holiday here in Ireland and the first couple of days here were glorious and sunny. But for the last week it's been overcast, raining and we've had bitterly cold winds. When it's like this there's not much you can do but stay inside and keep warm.

We're staying in my mother-in-law's 2 bedroom cottage and it's gorgeous, but probably better suited to 1-2 people, not 3 adults and a toddler who just wants to run around all the time.


On Thursday night we picked up hubby's other two children who live here in Dunfanaghy. Now we have two teenagers, 3 adults and a toddler in a two bedroom house. It's slightly crowded to say the least however I think we're all coping enormously well.


So when we woke this morning and say blue skies and felt the sun through the kitchen windows we were all so happy. My mother-in-law Helen has taken the children swimming this morning and hubby has gone to the gym. Emily is asleep for her midday nap and this has given me some peace and quiet to do some writing and just relax. Aaaahhhhhh.......

Early morning sun hits the hills and we wake up to a glorious view of the valley

I love that everyone lives next to each other here. That is that my father-in-law Jimmy has the house next door to Helen's (they separated some time ago but remain friends) and my brother-in-law Adam and his partner Olivia and son Reuben live in the little cottage next to Jimmy's.

Adam and Olivia's little cottage next to the main house

Having everyone at your doorstep has been fabulous. Both the little ones have been sick at various times and we've been able to run panadol back and forth and bulk buy nappies and wipes since they're both the same size. We've shared food and wine such as the delicious Rhubarb Crumble cooked by Helen with Rhubarb from Jimmy's garden, and Spaghetti Bolognaise cooked by Jimmy and eaten here by the whole family.

One decimated patch of Rhubarb

Every where I look here there are reminders of a wonderful family life. There are animals everywhere and gardens that are well looked after. Emily has fallen in love with the little white horse named Holly who lives across the road behind the house. 

Holly the friendly neighbours horse

Helen has a little dog named Coco Michelle and she was happily sleeping on my feet while I was writing this until the sound of typing must have annoyed her and she moved to the little bed next to me on the couch.

Coco Michelle having a wee nap

Jimmy has a wonderful vegetable patch with potato's, leeks, carrots, spring onions and strawberries growing. He also grows Christmas Trees that he sells at the end of the year. The whole family is musical with Helen playing guitar, base guitar, saxophone and various other instruments, Jimmy plays the guitar and is a very well-known musician around here, brother-in-law Adam plays the drums and is in high demand with local bands and hubby plays guitar and base guitar. I keep waiting for them to break out into some sort of partridge family type gig but they are all way too cool for that.


Tonight we're heading out with the in-laws for a bit of frivolity and fun at the local pubs. We'll watch my Jimmy play in his band and drink some Guinness. Tomorrow we'll all wake up with headaches and no doubt Adam and Olivia will wander down at some stage to join in with our recollection of previous nights antics over a bite of lunch. At some stage Jimmy will wander through the trees that divide the house and pop his head in the door to just say hello and see how we're going. The kids will play and run about in the garden chasing the cats and dogs. It's a lovely life and I'm quite happy to just relax and enjoy it for now.

Emily walking up the lane

No Rest for The Wicked

What a great weekend! I got no housework, cooking or washing done. But I did have a great time!

It started with Saturday morning coffee and a trip to the hairdressers. I was so scared because it was Emily's first haircut and I knew we'd be cutting off the last of her baby hair. Why is this such a big deal? I think after she started toilet training early and because she is so physically advanced and big for her age (at 20 months she's 15kg and 90.5cm tall), cutting off her baby hair means that she's now a little girl and I kind of want to hold onto Baby Emily for just a little longer.

My little girl is a bit of a loner most of the time. She can be shy and doesn't like strangers or big crowds. So our plan was to just sit and chat in the hairdressers and if she seemed comfortable enough we would cut her hair. It worked a treat. She even thought sitting in the big chair by herself was great fun and happily let the girl cut her hair. Then she stood in front of the mirror for ages checking out her new do.

The only thing she didn't like was getting her photo taken.

Since that went so well we went off to see my friend Mrs Doodlebug who's husband had gone away for the weekend to a music festival and she had the two boys and her 8 month old (also named Emily) at home. We decided to go for a short walk to the main street of Wodonga as the Harmony Carnivale was on and there were loads of live music, art and market stalls.

First thing Mrs Doodlebugs boys did when we got there was run off so we spent the next half hour searching for them, prams in tow. After finding the boys (I managed to sneak an Organic Olive Tapanade purchase in) and giving them a stern talking to about not scaring their Mum like that again, we sat down for coffee and scones and watched the local primary schools music group perform some singing and dancing. Emily thought it was awesome fun and even got up on her chair and did dance moves I've never seen her do before. See what happens in childcare!

We went home for her midday nap and she slept for 3 hours! Whenever she does that it means she'll be up late that night (usual bedtime is 7pm) so I suggested to hubby that we head back to the Carnivale for a curry dinner and to watch the parade. Emily had a ball and we ran into loads of friends. It was such a great family atmosphere and I definitely think we'll go back next year. Emily even had some butter chicken from the Indian curry stand.

Today was always going to be busy. One of my oldest friends is due to have a baby next week and I wanted to catch up with her before she went in for her scheduled Cesar. She has a little girl 6 months older than Emily and I thought they could have a play together.

Well they didn't exactly play, they wanted everything each other had and there was scratching, biting and a bit of slapping involved. How ironic though that because Emily used the big toilet my friends little girl had to use it too. My friend says she can never get her girl to use the toilet and it's great that she wants to copy what Emily did. On the other hand Emily has never really been very social with other kids and after the initial squabbles, my friends little girl came over and gave Emily a hug and a kiss. Emily thought that was great and reciprocated. It was so sweet!

I can see these two being great friends when they get older, just like her Mum and I were at school.

So after I put Emily down for her midday nap I headed back into town with my Dad for a fun filled afternoon of putting up new shop fittings and re-merchandising the shelves. We still have a long way to go but the beginning of the shops transformation is now underway and it's so exciting.

Showing off my new Gaia Organic Cotton range.

So tomorrow I have Market Day at QEII Square in Albury and it's going to be fine and sunny so I'm hoping for a huge day. I have a stall going and just finished packing the car withy everything I think I'll need. The shop will also be open so fingers crossed we get loads of people with kids looking for baby or children's clothing.

I'm trying to think of something special to do with Emily on Wednesday as it's our new day together. I'll be in Melbourne buying on Friday, then another market on Sunday (which I haven't even sewed anything for yet!).

So with such a busy week ahead I better go get some shut eye.

How was your weekend? 

All My Friends are Having Baby's.....Wah!

All my friends are having baby's..........Wah!

Miss E is 20 months tomorrow. She's been sleeping well for the last week (that means 7ish pm to 5is am) and that means I'm forgetting the hard bits of the first year and remembering how gorgeous Miss E was and how precious she was when she was just born.

It's not helping me that I own a baby and kids clothing boutique. Every day I see newborns and baby's, pregnant women and gushing first time grandmothers telling me their daughter has just fallen pregnant and they just want to have a look. It doesn't help that every day I unpack, price and display beautiful, gorgeous, exquisite baby clothing and accessories that I wish I had someone to put them in. It seriously doesn't help that my Hubby is dead against having another baby.

For as long as I can remember I wanted kids. I always thought I'd be a young Mum with three kids by the time I was thirty. I didn't get married till I was 27 and by the time I was 30 we'd already done two years of IVF and I'd suffered a miscarriage on the one time we'd managed to get pregnant. By the age of 32 my ex-husband and I had spent over $20,000 on IVF, survived two miscarriages and then he ran off with another woman. Miscarriage, grief and money problems do terrible things to a man and although I'm not excusing what he did, I no longer hold bad feelings for him.

I met my now husband a year after I separated from my ex. He was here on holidays from Ireland and the attraction was instant for both of us (although he'll say he just liked my car). He had come out of a relationship 5 years earlier and he had two kids back in Ireland that he hardly saw (fathers don't have the same rights there as they do here). It was complicated and difficult but we were so in love. He was done having kids and I thought I wasn't capable of going full term so in a way I thought a man with existing children could somehow fill a void.

We married 6 months after we met. Admittedly he never asked me to marry him, we both wouldn't have gotten married at all if we didn't have to. It was the only way to stay together and I guess that was the most important thing, we wanted to be together.

Three months after we got married I fell pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, we just didn't take any precautions and left it up to the Gods. I remember seeing those two pink lines on the stick and I began shaking thinking this can't be true. I remember telling hubby when he got home from work and seeing both fear and excitement on his face.

I understand his fear. He has two beautiful children that he's been forced to let go of on the opposite side of the world and the fear of having another child and the relationship failing was almost too much to bare.

The pregnancy was awful to say the least. Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant the morning noon and night sickness began. I remember getting up at 3am for a boak and in the first trimester I lost 7kg.

At 32 weeks and 3 days after my baby shower I went into pre-term labour. It was one of the most scariest nights of my life. I was lucky enough to not have dilated at all and that basically kept baby in place. Lots of drugs and relaxation meant the labour stopped but I was kept in hospital until I reached 36 weeks. My blood pressure was dangerously low and i have a heart condition so I was constantly monitored. I had to beg the doctor at 34 weeks just to be allowed to have a walk around the hall of the maternity ward.

At 36 weeks I was finally allowed out of hospital and we had to move house (yes you read that right). It's a long story but basically our landlords decided to move back into their house right when we were due to have our baby. Anyway 3 days after we moved I went into labour. Off to the hospital we went on June 29th and I thought for sure this was it.

30 hours of labour later and I was only half a centimetre dilated. The fetal heart rate was dropping and she'd done her meconium and was in distress. The decision was made to do and emergency C-Section.

15 Minutes later and I was on the operating table. They pulled her out of me and there was no crying, no noise and everyone all of a sudden got very busy. I was told i had a girl. They rushed her to a table nearby and I remember seeing a blur of doctors and nurses around her. I told Hubby to stay with her no matter what, don't worry about me, just don't leave her alone. He watched on as they tried to breath life into this limp blue baby.

It seemed like and eternity waiting for something. I didn't even realise I was hemorrhaging and they were trying to fix me at the same time. Finally I heard a whimper, not a good cry but she was alive and breathing. They brought her to me for a few seconds to see, she looked like she was sleeping. But she was alive and we did it. We got through the pregnancy and the birth.

I went to recovery after they put me back together, but then I was sick, kept fainting and bleeding and so it was about five hours before they took me to Newborn Care and I finally got to meet my Emily.

Looking back it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. There are tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I type this because one, I know I'll never have to go through it again, and two, because I know I never could.

Six years ago I prayed. I said "if your there God, please just one, give me just one baby and I'll never ask for another". I don't know if "God" is real but I do know that I am blessed to have my one and only little girl.

A Girl Needs Her Mummy - Even in Her 30's

Today was day two at the new Day Care centre. It is seriously amazing how much better I already feel about them looking after Miss E. OK so this morning wasn't the best drop I've ever done but at least when I picked her up this afternoon I got information I needed to help me cope with her when I got home.

Case in point..... Miss E only slept for 50 minutes today because she has a cough and it woke her up. As a result of not getting enough sleep she was grizzly and wanted lots of comforting this afternoon and because this centre had more staff than the government requires it means she actually got cuddles. In fact she was getting them when i turned up at 5pm to pick her up.

When I dropped Miss E off this morning she was distressed to say the least. She had her arms and legs wrapped firmly around me and was not letting go. I love that the girls help with things like this. I handed her over feeling guilty as hell that I was leaving her like this. I quickly escaped the center and jumped in the car. Breathing heavy and trying to hold back the tears i must have sat outside for at least a couple of minutes. The Director came running out and tapped on my window and told me not to worry, she had already calmed down and they were about to do some dancing which is one of her favourite things.

At the old centre none if this sort of thing happened. There was no information at the end of the day so you go home wondering why your child is clingy and cranky and climbing the walls. If there's a bump or bruise you have to ask, not be told or called and incident reports were always late.

My parents also returned from their holiday in NZ today. I can't believe I'm in my 30's and need them this much but I was so relieved they came home today. Miss E is spending all day with her "Mama" tomorrow and she's already excited. It's a relief for me too as I had no casual to work in the shop tomorrow and no childcare available.

Amazing also that all my anxiety over what was happening with the shop when we go to Ireland was releived by Mum offering to work there while I'm away so I don't have to pay wages (that i can't yet afford). Dad said he'd come in one night and put up the new fittings that I've had trouble getting to and i booked someone to train with me on Friday so I can have a regular Wednesday girl and not worry about Miss E being away from me 5 days a week again.

I know I'm in a blessed situation with my family support and not everyone has it like I do. So I thank the Gods, stars and higher beings for giving me this opportunity and now I just hope I can make them proud by making my business a big success.

How Was Your Day Dear?

I'm single parenting at the moment as hubby is on "a business" trip. This business trip happens to be in Coffs Harbour in a 5 star luxury resort and his room, with it's king size bed and spa, overlooks the ocean. He tells me tonight that he spent a hard morning brainstorming in an IT workshop, then spent the afternoon in the pool and got sunburnt.

I on the other hand was woken at 6am by our screaming toddler, who by the way didn't go to bed until 10pm last night! My morning shower was taken whilst Miss E had her face pressed up against it crying "Daddy" and staring at me like I could magically produce him. After getting us both dressed and breakfast, cleaning the house, doing the dishes and putting on a load of washing I had to answer a phone call from hubby just as I was about to race out the door. Apparently it's not nice to just hang up on someone who tells you they just woke up (it was 8:30am) and what a glorious sleep he had. Really? Do I GAF???

Dropping Miss E off at daycare I politely ask if they can please make sure she wakes up at 1:30pm as she hasn't been going to sleep at night and I want to tire her out so she'll go straight to bed tonight. This is followed by a lecture from the childcare worker advising me I enable her too much by giving her too many cuddles and I should just let her cry it out. She tells me they have no trouble getting her to sleep during the day. Well that's just great!

I get to work and my back room looks like a nuclear stock explosion. There is literally no room to move and so after spending the first hour rearranging I finally am able to make my way to the kitchen where I find a mouse has accidentally got caught in the trap my Dad set behind the fridge 6 months ago. I feel sorry for him. I also feel disgusted and dry retch as I pick up the trap and throw the entire thing in the bin. I'll just buy a new one, it's too much to ask me to get the thing out of there!

I go to put pictures of my new Gaia Organic Cotton Winter 2012 collection on my website and realise that my computer just wiped the shop copy of the stock images. Aaaarrrggghhh!!! Another job I'm going to have to do at home on the trusty Toshiba.

Gaia Organic Cotton Winter 2012 Preview

 After this discovery I decided to have a go at doing a new window for the shop. Originally I wanted to do a Red and White theme for Valentines Day, but my new Eternal Creation range hasn't arrived yet and so I'm having to make do with Pink and Blue. I think it still turned out pretty good.

 Anyway, picked up Miss E from childcare and found they had let her sleep for over two hours today so she was not tired at all. She also had a big scratch on her face which they couldn't tell me how it happened. This is not the first time I've had these kind of issues, however luckily we are on the waiting list for our preferred childcare centre in central Albury and hopefully soon we'll have a great place where I don't have to worry.

Tonight it took until 9pm to get Miss E off to sleep. We raced around the back yard when we got home, made dinner, had a bath, watered the garden, read books and played until she was exhausted at 7pm. Then as soon as she lied down and I turned out the light the crying game started. I ignored, painted some new shop fittings, did another load of washing, took out the garbage, checked Facebook, until I heard the whiny cry change to a distressing scream so I raced back in to find her soaked in sweat and she had vomited all down the front of her PJ's.

I cleaned her up, gave her some warm milk, cuddles and kissed her and told her it would be OK, put her back in bed and held her hand until she finally drifted off to sleep.

Then hubby called........

Seriously I couldn't give a toss how wonderful your damn resort is and how you plan to take me there one day!

Apparently it's rude to hang up on someone when there telling you how wonderful their life is when your day has been so shitty.....

How was your day?

In The Fast Lane

My little girl is growing up too fast! A couple of weeks ago she decided it was time for toilet training. She didn't bother consulting me, just pulled her pants down, sat on the toilet and did a wee.

Tonight at 19 months Miss E decided she wanted to put her pyjamas on herself. If I tried to help she would push me away and wine "nooooo!" So I let her be and she proceeded to put on her pyjama's without taking off her childcare clothes and putting the shorts on her head and one arm through the neck of the top. "Tada!" she squealed and clapped her hands excitedly. I was very proud of her.

Working whilst having a toddler is emotionally hard. I want to catch every first time, every moment and I worry constantly that I'm missing the most important things in her life. I'm not of course and I know I have to work to support her and create a bright future for her. But sometimes I just wish I lived in the old days where women stayed home and were just housewives. Life seemed simpler then.

Today when I dropped Miss E off at childcare I was asked to wait as her main carer wanted to speak to me. Seven of the toddlers in her room had moved up to the senior toddler room (2-3yo) and her carer had spent yesterday helping them transition.

I honestly thought Miss E must have done something wrong and I was going to be spoken to about how she's obsessed with opening and closing doors or putting things in toilets. Instead I was told that she spent yesterday with the big kids (she's a bit attached to her carer and wouldn't stay in her room without her) and apparently she integrated really well. She used the big kids toilet, ate with them and played with them. She even tried to talk to them. I stood there gobsmacked but so, so proud.

It's bittersweet proud. On one hand I can't believe how advanced she is. On the other hand I'm scared she is advancing too fast and before I know it I'll have a teenager on my hands and will have totally missed the baby years.

Luckily she still refuses to give up that dummy and bottle so I guess even with training pants I can still say she's my baby.