Miss E is 20 months tomorrow. She's been sleeping well for the last week (that means 7ish pm to 5is am) and that means I'm forgetting the hard bits of the first year and remembering how gorgeous Miss E was and how precious she was when she was just born.
It's not helping me that I own a baby and kids clothing boutique. Every day I see newborns and baby's, pregnant women and gushing first time grandmothers telling me their daughter has just fallen pregnant and they just want to have a look. It doesn't help that every day I unpack, price and display beautiful, gorgeous, exquisite baby clothing and accessories that I wish I had someone to put them in. It seriously doesn't help that my Hubby is dead against having another baby.
For as long as I can remember I wanted kids. I always thought I'd be a young Mum with three kids by the time I was thirty. I didn't get married till I was 27 and by the time I was 30 we'd already done two years of IVF and I'd suffered a miscarriage on the one time we'd managed to get pregnant. By the age of 32 my ex-husband and I had spent over $20,000 on IVF, survived two miscarriages and then he ran off with another woman. Miscarriage, grief and money problems do terrible things to a man and although I'm not excusing what he did, I no longer hold bad feelings for him.
I met my now husband a year after I separated from my ex. He was here on holidays from Ireland and the attraction was instant for both of us (although he'll say he just liked my car). He had come out of a relationship 5 years earlier and he had two kids back in Ireland that he hardly saw (fathers don't have the same rights there as they do here). It was complicated and difficult but we were so in love. He was done having kids and I thought I wasn't capable of going full term so in a way I thought a man with existing children could somehow fill a void.
We married 6 months after we met. Admittedly he never asked me to marry him, we both wouldn't have gotten married at all if we didn't have to. It was the only way to stay together and I guess that was the most important thing, we wanted to be together.
Three months after we got married I fell pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, we just didn't take any precautions and left it up to the Gods. I remember seeing those two pink lines on the stick and I began shaking thinking this can't be true. I remember telling hubby when he got home from work and seeing both fear and excitement on his face.
I understand his fear. He has two beautiful children that he's been forced to let go of on the opposite side of the world and the fear of having another child and the relationship failing was almost too much to bare.
The pregnancy was awful to say the least. Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant the morning noon and night sickness began. I remember getting up at 3am for a boak and in the first trimester I lost 7kg.
At 32 weeks and 3 days after my baby shower I went into pre-term labour. It was one of the most scariest nights of my life. I was lucky enough to not have dilated at all and that basically kept baby in place. Lots of drugs and relaxation meant the labour stopped but I was kept in hospital until I reached 36 weeks. My blood pressure was dangerously low and i have a heart condition so I was constantly monitored. I had to beg the doctor at 34 weeks just to be allowed to have a walk around the hall of the maternity ward.
At 36 weeks I was finally allowed out of hospital and we had to move house (yes you read that right). It's a long story but basically our landlords decided to move back into their house right when we were due to have our baby. Anyway 3 days after we moved I went into labour. Off to the hospital we went on June 29th and I thought for sure this was it.
30 hours of labour later and I was only half a centimetre dilated. The fetal heart rate was dropping and she'd done her meconium and was in distress. The decision was made to do and emergency C-Section.
15 Minutes later and I was on the operating table. They pulled her out of me and there was no crying, no noise and everyone all of a sudden got very busy. I was told i had a girl. They rushed her to a table nearby and I remember seeing a blur of doctors and nurses around her. I told Hubby to stay with her no matter what, don't worry about me, just don't leave her alone. He watched on as they tried to breath life into this limp blue baby.
It seemed like and eternity waiting for something. I didn't even realise I was hemorrhaging and they were trying to fix me at the same time. Finally I heard a whimper, not a good cry but she was alive and breathing. They brought her to me for a few seconds to see, she looked like she was sleeping. But she was alive and we did it. We got through the pregnancy and the birth.
I went to recovery after they put me back together, but then I was sick, kept fainting and bleeding and so it was about five hours before they took me to Newborn Care and I finally got to meet my Emily.
Looking back it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. There are tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I type this because one, I know I'll never have to go through it again, and two, because I know I never could.
Six years ago I prayed. I said "if your there God, please just one, give me just one baby and I'll never ask for another". I don't know if "God" is real but I do know that I am blessed to have my one and only little girl.