Back to life

Life finally feels like it's getting back to normal around here. We're back to work, back to 6am starts with a toddler, back to the housework and back to paying bills. The mundane life I adored has returned.

Somehow it's a better kind of normal. There's more sharing of the load, there's more caring and there's more loving. I keep waiting for it to end but so far so good.

I feel like I can set some new goals now. The new shop is built and next on the list is the website. Do I dare start planning for our dream house? A family holiday? Another baby? Right now I think I'll start with planning the rest of the month. If we can make it through that in one peice I'll plan until Christmas and then reassess.

It's easy to get carried away in this blissful bubble. It's not totally perfect but it feels pretty damn close. And like I said, part of me is waiting for it all to end, the other part is lapping it up and enjoying all that I've missed out on in the last couple of years.

 

One day at a time......one day at a time.......

Finally! Answers!

I haven't been able to blog for the last week and a bit. It's been both due to time and just because I haven't been able to put the last week or two's events into words until now. 

Oh where to start.....

Petit Armoir is finally up and running. Not everything got done on time such as the website, wallpapering the back wall, some stock hasn't arrived yet and not everything was put into the computer by opening. But I still managed to pull off a huge grand opening and even though I was meant to close at 2pm, people were still trying to get in at 2:30pm and I didn't get out the door till well after 3pm. 

All of this was achieved despite massive personal challenges over the last 2 weeks. For anyone who's ever been married to or lived with someone suffering from anxiety and/or depression, you know what a roller coaster it can be. Every day you wonder what mood the person you love will be in. Will he be happy? Will he be sad? Will he be angry? It's been the most difficult two years of my life and over the last week it all came to a head. 

I won't go into too much detail but finally there is a sense of relief. Rock bottom was finally hit and although it's not how both he and I would like the diagnosis and realization that there was something wrong to have happened, we're both glad it did. I nearly lost him, but with some help from a wonderful medical team and friends and family, we now have a diagnosis, a treatment and a plan. There's more hope than there has ever been. 

It's no surprise that this week I feel completely flat. I've been running on pure adrenalin for so long now that it seems even though all the drama has stopped, my brain can't quite slow down. I'm craving silence. Even the tapping of the keyboard drives me crazy. It will pass. It's the waiting I hate. Time heals and all that. 

Emily is of course over the moon. She's settling more easily and happier to go to childcare knowing she has both Mummy and Daddy home. 

So a new beginning and a bright future is in store. I'm determined to quieten my mind this week and stay focused on what's important. My family. 

Renovations

Enough of the wallowing, self pity and all that crap that goes with it. 


Also enough of eating the chocolate because I'd hate to see the scales after the last week!


It's time to move, time to get on with it.


There's nothing like a new project to distract you from your own thoughts and problems. My little shop has been doing really well in some area's, not so good in others. Now that I am totally reliant on myself and I have a daughter to support I need the whole business to work well. 


I've made a decision. It's a little risky and a whole lot of work to be done in less than 8 weeks, but I'm doing it! I'm going to renovate, re-name and totally overhaul this baby. I'm keeping the stuff that works (i.e. the labels that sell) and I'm turfing what doesn't (i.e. the recycled clothing). 

I've spent today contacting new kids clothing labels to add to my existing range as I'll have to double the amount of stock in here. It's not easy finding them either, especially on a Friday afternoon. I'm looking at Australian and overseas labels and hoping that by adding all these in I will get myself a bunch of new customers and really make a success of this. 


Tomorrow I drop Emily off at her Daddy's for the first time since the separation. I know it will be hard but at least this time it's only a four hour visit and she'll be back for her midday nap. 


I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and a new blonder me will emerge. I'm going to really concentrate on eating healthy because the last week I've done nothing but eat crap at night and watch bad TV. Lets hope my modem finally arrives tonight because having no internet at home is killing me! 


What are your plans this weekend? 

A Little Bit Angry

I haven't written for a while. Life is pretty shit around here at the moment. As of Saturday I'll officially be a single Mum on a bloody pension due to the shop not drawing a wage anymore and my husband telling me almost two weeks ago that he "just can't do it anymore".

It's not fair. This wasn't in my life plan and I certainly didn't ask for it. Humiliation has been the overriding emotion this week. Having to line up at Centrelink and receive phone calls from the Department of Human Services who ask all sorts of lovely personal questions about sleeping arrangements, bathroom times and sexual activity so they can determine that I am now "un-partnered" but still living under the same roof. This is all so I can claim some measly amount that will pay the rent each fortnight but not the bills or groceries.

Yep! I've reached the angry stage. I no longer care that he has anxiety, that he's depressed. I'm sick of the "woe is me" and the constant complaining about how terrible his life is. I want to strangle him. I want to tell him "mate you don't know how great you have it!" I want to scream at him that he's giving up a life that lots of people could only dream of having.

Today a customer came in to buy his almost two year old girl a pair of shoes. He was a bus driver doing a charter from Melbourne to Sydney and stops over for a hour in Albury for a break every two days. While checking out the various styles he realised he couldn't remember the size and had to ring his Mum to ask her what to get his daughter. So I asked him if he was a single Dad and he told me his ex-wife ran off with an 18 year old boy and he was left to raise his daughter on his own. He drives a bus 10 hours a day which he hates but it makes good money and it's all the work he could get since he lives in a country town.

This is where I sit back and say "you could of had a life like that". You could have been married to an alcoholic who goes out partying every night and runs off with someone half her age. Instead my hubby has dinner on the table every night, a daughter who loves him, a clean house, an awesome job doing something he loves and getting paid well for it, good health and a wife who loves him and would stand by him always. But apparently that's all too hard for him.

Anyone who knows someone suffering from anxiety and depression knows that they can be volatile and difficult to read human beings. It's like playing pass the parcel all day everyday and you never know if when you finally remove that last layer if your going to get something good or are you going to get an explosion.

The last couple of years have been hard. I never know what mood he'll wake up in or what I'll come home to after work. He escapes reality by sitting on his computer all night. I think he's always found life difficult but now it's become way too hard and he can't take it anymore. Still, I'm angry. I want to shout "suck it up princess!" but I can't.

There are lot's of "if only's" at the moment. It's hard not to think that way.

Change

I can feel change in the air. The leaves are falling, mornings are frosty and cold, the woolens have been pulled from the cupboard and the summer flowers are dying.

But there is warmth. The fire is burning and it is emitting a warm orange glow that is mesmorising and relaxing. It gives me hope.

At night Emily and I sit in front of the fire and relax before bed. She snuggles into me and touches her face that is being warmed from the fire and tells me "hot". It's precious moments and I miss her the rest of the night.

Change is in the air and I welcome it. I am hopeful for big things and grateful for the small thinghs in my life.

Bring it on!

A Really Shitty Night

What do you do when your pleasant life starts to fall apart?

Tonight I came home from work and my lovely world was rocked to the core. I can't say how as I don't know if it's a permanent or temporary situation and I have to consider that family members may read this.

More so I just can't sleep right now as I have too many thoughts going through my head. How will I get over this? How will I forgive? Will life ever be the same? How will I protect my daughter? How will I survive?

I've never been good with bad news. I'm the type of person who has to talk through their problems in order to accept the outcome and right now there is no one to talk to. Right now I'm sitting alone in my lounge room wondering what I'm going to do.

The only positive I'm holding onto is that the news is only a maybe and hopefully not a definite. there is a glimmer of hope that it will never happen if some steps, difficult steps, are taken and issues worked through.

I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but I do feel like I've just been able to share my woes with a friend, even if that friend is just my laptop. For that I'm grateful.

A Place In The Sun

Hooray for the sun coming out! We've got 12 days left of our holiday here in Ireland and the first couple of days here were glorious and sunny. But for the last week it's been overcast, raining and we've had bitterly cold winds. When it's like this there's not much you can do but stay inside and keep warm.

We're staying in my mother-in-law's 2 bedroom cottage and it's gorgeous, but probably better suited to 1-2 people, not 3 adults and a toddler who just wants to run around all the time.


On Thursday night we picked up hubby's other two children who live here in Dunfanaghy. Now we have two teenagers, 3 adults and a toddler in a two bedroom house. It's slightly crowded to say the least however I think we're all coping enormously well.


So when we woke this morning and say blue skies and felt the sun through the kitchen windows we were all so happy. My mother-in-law Helen has taken the children swimming this morning and hubby has gone to the gym. Emily is asleep for her midday nap and this has given me some peace and quiet to do some writing and just relax. Aaaahhhhhh.......

Early morning sun hits the hills and we wake up to a glorious view of the valley

I love that everyone lives next to each other here. That is that my father-in-law Jimmy has the house next door to Helen's (they separated some time ago but remain friends) and my brother-in-law Adam and his partner Olivia and son Reuben live in the little cottage next to Jimmy's.

Adam and Olivia's little cottage next to the main house

Having everyone at your doorstep has been fabulous. Both the little ones have been sick at various times and we've been able to run panadol back and forth and bulk buy nappies and wipes since they're both the same size. We've shared food and wine such as the delicious Rhubarb Crumble cooked by Helen with Rhubarb from Jimmy's garden, and Spaghetti Bolognaise cooked by Jimmy and eaten here by the whole family.

One decimated patch of Rhubarb

Every where I look here there are reminders of a wonderful family life. There are animals everywhere and gardens that are well looked after. Emily has fallen in love with the little white horse named Holly who lives across the road behind the house. 

Holly the friendly neighbours horse

Helen has a little dog named Coco Michelle and she was happily sleeping on my feet while I was writing this until the sound of typing must have annoyed her and she moved to the little bed next to me on the couch.

Coco Michelle having a wee nap

Jimmy has a wonderful vegetable patch with potato's, leeks, carrots, spring onions and strawberries growing. He also grows Christmas Trees that he sells at the end of the year. The whole family is musical with Helen playing guitar, base guitar, saxophone and various other instruments, Jimmy plays the guitar and is a very well-known musician around here, brother-in-law Adam plays the drums and is in high demand with local bands and hubby plays guitar and base guitar. I keep waiting for them to break out into some sort of partridge family type gig but they are all way too cool for that.


Tonight we're heading out with the in-laws for a bit of frivolity and fun at the local pubs. We'll watch my Jimmy play in his band and drink some Guinness. Tomorrow we'll all wake up with headaches and no doubt Adam and Olivia will wander down at some stage to join in with our recollection of previous nights antics over a bite of lunch. At some stage Jimmy will wander through the trees that divide the house and pop his head in the door to just say hello and see how we're going. The kids will play and run about in the garden chasing the cats and dogs. It's a lovely life and I'm quite happy to just relax and enjoy it for now.

Emily walking up the lane

The Best Day Ever!!

Today was the best day ever! I mean it, it was awesome.

On Monday I put a Facebook post up saying there would be a big announcement on Thursday. On Tuesday I posted a reminder and on Wednesday I said I had not one but three big announcements to make.

Today was the Albury Gold Cup and a gazetted public holiday from midday which meant no childcare and therefor no shop open after midday. At first i thought it was a disaster. I need the income desperately at the moment and half day closing meant I would struggle to meet my sales target.

So these were my announcements that I made on Thursday:

Announcement 1: It's almost been a year since I bought the shop and to celebrate my 1 year anniversary we are doing a bit of a make-over in the shop. Over the coming weeks you'll see a new color scheme, play area, shop fittings (I've started this already) and a new logo. A huge thanks to Kath from Doodlebugs who has been madly designing the new bear and logo. I can't wait to show you all!

Announcement 2: With the success of new labels Gaia Organic Cotton, Eternal Creation, Mizzle, Walnut and Skeanie added to Bearly Worn over the last year I've decided to expand the range for summer 2012! I'm very pleased to announce I have just signed orders for Koko & Co., Milky and Freshbaked. There will be more to come so keep your eye on Facebook as I'll list them her as they're confirmed.

Final announcement for today! To celebrate Albury Gold Cup I am having a one day only SALE! Come in between 10am and 12pm tomorrow and get 10% discount on all new winter stock from Gaia Organic Cotton, Mizzle, Skeanie, Uh-Oh! sleepwear and... Walnut Melbourne. This is for TOMORROW ONLY with no exceptions, rain checks and not in conjunction with any other offer. So come in and save some $$$ on your kids winter wardrobes! See you tomorrow :-)

 

Well turns out a lot of people read my post about the sale and at 9:30am there were people lined up at the door. In two hours I did a weeks trade and I couldn't be more chuffed! Honestly i wasn't expecting this at all and today I finally feel like I made the right decision buying the shop. It's been a really hard slog this last 12 months and days like this give me hope that it's all worth it.

 

Anyway, not to worry. I hope tomorrow is just as good and that the trend continues. Next on my list of many things to do is the new radio campaign. Anyone good with writing jingles?