My Confident Little Fairy

About a year ago, if I tried to drop Emily at childcare she would cling onto me so tightly and the childcare worker would have to pry her little arms from around my neck and I would leave in tears because my little girl could be heard screaming from the car park.

A change of childcare centres and a year later and I have one confident little girl. This morning for the first time EVER she walked confidently into her room....by herself.....without being carried!

It might have been the fairy costume she had on, it could have been the party music bellowing from her room, it could have been that she also had a full nights sleep the night before. Either way I was absolutely chuffed that she did it all by herself.

and yes she did have a top on..... but isn't just the budding little artist too! 

Emily's First Photo Shoot - and she's 2 years old!

Emily was up at 5am this morning and bounced into my room telling me to "get up!" and declared she was ready for shopping. I'd promised her last night we were going shopping today and she went straight off to sleep so the morning would come quicker. 

I thought I was brilliant of course. I'd solved the 'how to get Emily to stop wandering out of the bedroom and go the f*ck to sleep!" problem. In doing that I created the "how to get Emily to sleep past 6am" problem. I've made promises at bed time previously and although she's slept soundly all the way through, she's always up early the next morning and remembers exactly what I promised the night before. 

So up at 5am and by 7:30am this was my sookie little girl......

Of course I was in full housework mode by this time. Dishes were being done, washing was on, I was considering vacuuming the floor..... My little miss just wanted to go back to bed! 

Problem was we had a haircut booked for 9am and photo's booked for 10:30am. How the hell was I going to get her dressed and out the door by 8:30am? I know, I'll let her choose her own dress for the photo shoot! I held up a pink dress and a cream dress positive she'd choose the pink one as it's her favorite color at the moment. 

Of course she chose the cream dress.....the one that would show her spencer underneath and every bit of food and drink she consumed on the way. 

All ready to go complete with annoying bloody baby in pram and handbag over shoulder!

First up at the hairdressers and she would not let go of me. I had plans to cut her hair into a bob just above her shoulders. She refuses to let me do her hair most mornings and I'm sick of the battles so I was determined to chop it off and that way all I had to do was chase her around the house with a hair brush and not worry about tying it up. She wouldn't have a bar of it. She squirmed and cried and clung onto me like the lovely hairdresser was going to chop her head off. We couldn't even get the cape on her! I gave up and decided we would go to the cafe next door instead because mummy really needed a caffeine fix!

By this time it was 10am and she was already telling me she wanted her dummy and hippo, a clear sign she was tired. We raced to the shopping center for our free Pixie Photo's portrait sitting. 

Now I have never been a fan of Pixie Photo's I "won" this free portrait (along with a hundred other mums I suspect) and the woman on the phone convinced me to take advantage of the free offer and there was no obligation to buy. I've always thought of Pixie Photo's as the type with fairy dresses and babies sitting in terracotta pots holding sunflowers etc. Definitely not my style! I'm a plain jane, prefer the classic, hate cheesy kinda gal. 

You can still get the flower pot shots and props are still offered, however we went for the plain backgrounds and let Emily be the star. I was very impressed with the way the photographer and assistant managed to get Emily to dance and jump and lie down and look into a mirror. Now if only I could make her do things for me on command! 

A bit grainy but it is a photo of a photo. 

So while I was impressed with the photo's I wasn't surprised with the prices of their packages. Starting at $300 for 5 images, you need some serious dough for these guys! They were shooting through a family an hour so that's 8 potential photo packages a day! Even if everyone bought the base package, it's still $14,000 a week. I should have been a bloody photographer.......

Anyway, I chose my portrait (the picture above), said it was Emily's nap time and I would consider the packages and come back with my Mum next week (who'll totally buy half the images). I'm considering this gorgeous one for my bookshelf. 

Kinda glad we didn't cut the hair off now

What's a reasonable price to pay for a photo pack of your little angel/s? 

Are these pictures boring and should I get some outside pictures done when the summer comes? Should I chop her hair off or leave it alone? 

Help! 

Disruption to Routine is My Enemy

Today was slightly better than yesterday. I feel like I got a few things achieved finally. I still don't know how to use my new accounting system but I did get all but one of my winter 2013 orders completed.

The last order was for Fabrik, a label I love. Exquisite designs and gorgeous fabrics. It ticks all my boxes.....

"Fabrik marries that neat little girl with nanna’s handicrafts, warmth and care, a splash of colour, a dash of inspiration and wraps them all together in a unique and environmentally friendly package."

 

 

I'm thinking I might need some of their summer range too so tomorrow's job is to contact them/my agent and see if I can get some last minute stock. It's just too beautiful!

 

Just as I was about to walk out the door I got a call from one of my newest suppliers, Lullaby Linen. Helen, one of the owners, was absolutely lovely and so helpful.

 

How often do you see really great boys linen? I haven't seen a range as sophisticated and suitable for babies through to teens ever! I absolutely think this is an exceptional rage of linen and I'm so excited to be stocking it.

 

 

So finally I got out of there and loaded my car with some boxes of coat hangers to make some space in my overflowing storage room. I picked up Emily who had apparently been allowed to sleep from 1pm to 4:15pm!!! Any Mum of a 2 year old knows this is a disaster. Her bedtime was less than 3 hours away and there was no way I was going to get her off to sleep at that time now.

 

At 7:30pm we did the usual bedtime routine of bottle and story while she cuddled her hippo and laid quietly in bed. No sooner had I shut the door when I hear "Mummy!".....and so began my night of bedtime negotiating and re-settling. In the end I gave in and sat beside her holding her hand and patting her off to sleep. It was 9:30pm when I left her room. She was up at 5am this morning and she was beyond over-tired tonight.

 

It's times like this that I really struggle with loving having my own business and wanting to stay with my little girl. Routine is so important to her at the moment. When Daddy doesn't pick her up on the nights he's supposed to she's beside herself asking for him all night. When she doesn't sleep properly during the day or if I'm away working for a night she takes a couple of days to settle back into the routine. 3am wandering into Mummy's bed is not unusual for Emily.

 

But we'll work with it and struggle through for now. Just a couple more weeks and things can settle down and I can spend more time with her. At least that's the idea......

 

 



 

 



The Thin Line of Sanity

So apparently swapping from my current accounting and inventory system to my new one wasn't going to be so easy.......

One of the many hiccups this week as I go on the countdown to the opening of Petit Armoir.

Today I received the script for the radio ads I've booked and it was laughable. i really think I should be given a discount for all the times I've written the scripts for them. I'm not big noting myself here, a five year old could have done a better job. Cheesy and loud is not the way I want my boutique represented.

I have been doing a back and forth with my printer for three weeks now just trying to get a quote for business cards and stickers. How hard can it be? Apparently very hard because I get the same quote over and over again and my repeated calls to talk to the general manager who's sending me the quotes results in more incorrect quotes and emails. Today I finally snapped and emailed him that I would be using someone else. Actually it went more like "your gross incompetence" and "lack of customer service give me no choice but to take my business elsewhere" and that was me being reserved! I won't name them but lets just say there's no longer a 'darkhorse' in the running for my business!!

One of my major labels still hasn't advised if they can supply me by grand opening on September 8th. I've been chasing them for quite some time and I've had excuse after excuse. I email and call and no-one gets back to me. So I'm two weeks away from opening and I'm trying to decide if one, I tell them where to go, and two, who can I replace them with at such short notice since you would normally order 6 months in advance.

Telstra still haven't sorted my phone and broadband change over (surprise, surprise!) and my bank is giving me grief about the new merchant terminal I'm getting installed.

It's all happening at once and threatening to drive me insane!

The one thing that puts a smile on my face every single day is my little girl. I pick her up from childcare after a rotten day and as soon as she see's me she runs into my arms with an excited "Mummy!" and holds on tight until we get to the car. The whole way home she non-stop chatters about her day and who her friends are and what they did. She is totally oblivious to my worries and while I listen to her they temporarily fade away.

Emily is my blessing every day. She keeps me sane and keeps me moving forward. She makes me laugh and gives me the biggest, warmest cuddles.

Thank God I have this weekend off. I plan to make the most of our time together because the next couple of weeks are going to be so busy.

What I Can Do on Very Little Sleep

I have had one sleep deprived weekend. Emily has a cold and although it's nothing serious, it's hard to breath through runny nose when you still suck on a dummy all night. I believe the last decent nights sleep I had was last Thursday.

This morning she woke up at 4am and decided that it was time to get up and play. After an hour and a half of warm milk, back patting and lullaby's I put her in my bed. Half an hour of kicking and mucking around later I decided stuff it, we're up!

Saturday night Emily told me she wanted Macaroni Cheese for dinner....either that or it was Macca's. In two year old speak they both sound the same. Anyway I thought I'd do a little experimenting. We had no macaroni and I have no idea what cheese goes into it so I cooked up some spiral pasta and cauliflower. Then I sweated off some chopped leek and garlic and poured in some cream, grated Edam & Chedder cheese, and seasoned with salt and pepper. I mixed the sauce with the pasta and cauliflower.

Emily did her first bit of cooking by sprinkling the breadcrumbs, cheese & rosemary mixture on top.

Then I popped it in the oven for 15 minutes till the top was golden. Emily wolfed it down and we even had enough leftover for Sunday lunch, which was good because I was definitely too tired to cook.

To kill some time today, and to burn off a little excess toddler energy, we went to the park. Finally Emily can reach the peddles on her tricycle and it was nice that she actually sat on it without insisting on jumping off and pushing it herself.

I'm loving this stage that she's at. It's all make believe and pretend play. She watches everything I do and if I'm sweeping the floor, she has to get her little broom out and sweep too.

With a huge week ahead including the Kids In Style expo next Friday, I really hope she sleeps well.

How was your weekend? 





Miss Emily

Emily is at both a gorgeous age and one that totally does my head in. How a two year old can have this much attitude at such a young age I have no idea! For the last week I've heard "my turn!" and "No, mine!" at least a thousand times.

And the drama! If you move something to the wrong place, or you try to help in any way, you'd think the world was ending. There's head down, face burried in her hands, thrashing about and screaming.

But tonight I just had to laugh. Emily has a couple of 'babies' that she has really taken to playing with lately. Every night while I'm cooking the dinner she lines them up, reads them a story, and then one by one changes their nappies. At first I had no idea what she was doing when I saw this.....

Apologies for the poor photo. Just after I tried to sneak this pic with the IPhone she totally cracked it at me for daring to take a picture of her!

Yes that's right, she has socks on her hands. But to her they're not socks, they're gloves and every time she changes her babies nappies she has them on. At childcare they read stories to the toddlers and change their nappies with gloves on. It seems Emily has created her own childcare center in our living room and it's complete with a naughty corner. While I was having a shower this morning I heard her telling one of the babies to "sit here!" and "Sshhhh!". I think she might have got that bit from me......

I'm totally loving her embrace of this new make believe world. It reminds me of when I was her age and everything was fun and a game. She has no idea of bad things in the world, of loss, of sadness. All she know is eat, sleep, play and love.

She is learning new words every day and mumbled sentences are starting to become clear. She now has friends at daycare who wave to her through the window when we arrive. A little red headed boy named Dean rushed over to us yesterday and said "Emawee ball!" and gave her a green ball. She was absolutely delighted and turned to me and said "bye", waved and ran off with him. It was totally adorable.

I know it won't be like this for long and I'm totally going to soak up every moment of it.

Derailed

I knew it would happen sooner or later. After the last couple of weeks, and the roller coaster that I've been on, I knew I would have to crash sometime.

This morning was the first time in years that I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm shaky and teary and it feels bloody awful.

I've tried to concentrate on work today but I can't seem to still my mind. Too many thoughts are racing around. I'm thinking about Emily and how she's doing, my plans for the shop, whether I'll ever sort things out with my husband, will he ever feel better, will I ever forgive him, can I do the next market, will I be able to hold it all together?

It's all too much. I need to be still. I need to just be for a bit. I need the mundane, the boring, the norm, just for a little while.

I probably need some extensive therapy but a single Mums pension doesn't allow for that. Instead I have wonderful friends and family who come to see me, send me text messages and call me on a daily basis to make sure I am OK. They offer support, advice when i want it and today a thoughtful friend convinced me to close the shop for an hour, take some time out and enjoy some lunch together. Just two girls, some good food and a glass of wine. Just what the doctor ordered.....

All The Small Things

It's funny how the small things in my life can bring me happiness at the moment.



Today Emily had her first hearing test and follow up to the grommets that were put in last Christmas. She of course passed with flying colors and will have another test and follow up in 6 months time. To celebrate I thought we should go check out the toy department at Big W. This also included a blackcurrant poppa (and I probably should have checked the ingredients before giving it to her).



Emily thought all her Christmas's had come at once, wandering through the isles and pulling balls off shelves whilst guzzling that artificially colored, sugar laiden drink down. Then she found the baby dolls. Actually it was a talking Baby Alive to be exact and some bright spark had turned it on. It must have had a motion detector in it because every time someone walks past it says or does something. Funny how they put it at the perfect height for Emily to find.



Anyway I managed to compromise with her and traded a $5 dolls outfit for her own "baby" and got the big talking doll back on the shelf.



Back at home later the effects of the poppa had fully kicked in and Emily was running around in circles around the lounge room. She also spent a good hour with my camera yelling at me to smile and say "cheese" before pretending to take my photo. I left the room for two minutes and Emily had managed to tip all the clean, freshly folded clothes out of the washing basket and was putting my tracksuit pants on her head when I came back.

Why can't you go out in a t-shirt as a skirt, Dora slippers and an evening bag?

What the hell do they put in those things? You'd think she'd just snorted an ounce of cocaine the way she sped around the house! 


Finally a reprieve with a bottle of milk and her "baby" had to have one too. It was very cute. 

With everything going on, both at home and the shop, it's moments like these that give me joy and remind me why I'm working so hard. This precious little girl is my everything. 

Renovations

Enough of the wallowing, self pity and all that crap that goes with it. 


Also enough of eating the chocolate because I'd hate to see the scales after the last week!


It's time to move, time to get on with it.


There's nothing like a new project to distract you from your own thoughts and problems. My little shop has been doing really well in some area's, not so good in others. Now that I am totally reliant on myself and I have a daughter to support I need the whole business to work well. 


I've made a decision. It's a little risky and a whole lot of work to be done in less than 8 weeks, but I'm doing it! I'm going to renovate, re-name and totally overhaul this baby. I'm keeping the stuff that works (i.e. the labels that sell) and I'm turfing what doesn't (i.e. the recycled clothing). 

I've spent today contacting new kids clothing labels to add to my existing range as I'll have to double the amount of stock in here. It's not easy finding them either, especially on a Friday afternoon. I'm looking at Australian and overseas labels and hoping that by adding all these in I will get myself a bunch of new customers and really make a success of this. 


Tomorrow I drop Emily off at her Daddy's for the first time since the separation. I know it will be hard but at least this time it's only a four hour visit and she'll be back for her midday nap. 


I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and a new blonder me will emerge. I'm going to really concentrate on eating healthy because the last week I've done nothing but eat crap at night and watch bad TV. Lets hope my modem finally arrives tonight because having no internet at home is killing me! 


What are your plans this weekend? 

Change

I can feel change in the air. The leaves are falling, mornings are frosty and cold, the woolens have been pulled from the cupboard and the summer flowers are dying.

But there is warmth. The fire is burning and it is emitting a warm orange glow that is mesmorising and relaxing. It gives me hope.

At night Emily and I sit in front of the fire and relax before bed. She snuggles into me and touches her face that is being warmed from the fire and tells me "hot". It's precious moments and I miss her the rest of the night.

Change is in the air and I welcome it. I am hopeful for big things and grateful for the small thinghs in my life.

Bring it on!

Makin' Lemonade

Last night and this morning I was pretty disillusioned about my life. How did everything turn upside down so quickly? What did I do wrong? How am I going to fix something I have no control over?

This afternoon I decided fuck it! If I can't do anything about it I might as well get on with things. Everything might work out and that would be great, things might not and if that happens I know I'll survive. It will be hard and I'll have a lot of sorting out to do but I'll be OK.

One thing is still certain. I have a daughter to raise and a business to run.

While we were on holidays the shop was pretty slow. And with little money coming in and lots of bills to pay I really have to pull my finger out this week and get some extra sales through the door.

I've come up with a plan. I have a small amount of summer stock that I need to move so I thought I'd start with that. It's currently sitting on a 50% off rack but being so cold it's not moving. So I've decided to have a Facebook sale. It's a Market Night where my customers can purchase excess summer stock at below cost price in a one off offer. If you want to check it out you can go to my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bearly-Worn/123812704350325 .

The second part of my plan is to win some free advertising for the shop. Tiny & little are having a competition to win a full free page ad in their Winter 2012 issue out June 1st. All I have to do is receive the most votes and my little shop Bearly Worn wins! So I've asked all my FB fans to go there and vote. If you feel inclined (this is a bit cheeky) I would also love your vote. Just got to tiny & little and type "I vote for @bearly worn" so that the shops page is tagged and the vote gets counted.

Hopefully this gives me something else to concentrate apart from my personal problems and makes me a little money just in case.

A Really Shitty Night

What do you do when your pleasant life starts to fall apart?

Tonight I came home from work and my lovely world was rocked to the core. I can't say how as I don't know if it's a permanent or temporary situation and I have to consider that family members may read this.

More so I just can't sleep right now as I have too many thoughts going through my head. How will I get over this? How will I forgive? Will life ever be the same? How will I protect my daughter? How will I survive?

I've never been good with bad news. I'm the type of person who has to talk through their problems in order to accept the outcome and right now there is no one to talk to. Right now I'm sitting alone in my lounge room wondering what I'm going to do.

The only positive I'm holding onto is that the news is only a maybe and hopefully not a definite. there is a glimmer of hope that it will never happen if some steps, difficult steps, are taken and issues worked through.

I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but I do feel like I've just been able to share my woes with a friend, even if that friend is just my laptop. For that I'm grateful.

Things I Love

Things I love.....

• Morning cuddles and kisses from my daughter, especially if she gets in our bed between hubby and I
• Walking in bare feet on freshly cut lawn
• Eating salty popcorn till my lips sting

• Open fires and sitting so close you bum burns

• Freshly washed sheets and pyjamas. Whats the point of fresh sheets without fresh PJ's?
• Coloring in with Emily, especially when she dictates what part of the picture I can color
• Ripping the foil and getting that first whiff of a fresh jar of coffee
• Reading a good magazine....in peace......cover to cover.......
• Hot showers on really cold nights
• Going to sleep with my feet touching my husbands
• Hot roast lamb on a cold Sunday for lunch with all the family
• Friday night drinks with friends
• Singing to tunes I love at the top of my voice in the car
• Christmas.......
• Cooking anything from a Jamie Oliver cookbook

• Watching my hubby play with Emily

There are so many things I love. Most of all I'm grateful that I get to enjoy all these things and live the life I was given.

What do you love?

Emily's Obsession

My daughter Emily is currently obsessed with my parents, her Mama and GD (Dad wasn't quite ready to be called Grandad when my sister had his first grandchild).

 She wakes up in the morning and asks for them, she goes to bed at night begging for them and every time we go out in the car she wants me to go to their place. When we do visit it's a struggle to get her back into the car to go home. We usually have to trick her by having my Dad put her in the car with my Mum sits next to her pretending to come with us. Then she jumps out and says goodbye and Emily cries for the next five minutes in the car on the way home.

I'm praying this is a stage she'll go through and get over quickly. It's not like Mum and Dad purposely make her love them so much, she just does. And I'm glad she adores them and enjoys them because I a lot of kids don't get to enjoy their grandparents they way mine does.

Today was my day off and a day I always try to do something special with Emily. She's my one and only so I want to make the most of it. I declared it a sewing free day even though I got the most gorgeous Amy Butler fabric in the mail today......

So we went to our local cafe this morning for a coffee and an Anzac Biscuit and just spent time together reading Thomas The Tank Engine book and chatting about nothing (she doesn't really say anything but gibberish anyway and I just nod and ask questions).

We spent some time at the shop and ordered some Skeanie and Uh-Oh! Sleepwear shoes and PJ's for our trip next week.

On the way home I thought we'd swing by my parents business Albury Dream Cottages and say hello as they were just finishing up and there is play equipment out back that Emily loves.

I really should have thought about it before we went. It was 11am and she was already getting tired. She hadn't had lunch and I hadn't bought any with us because it was a spur of the moment decision.

Well she happily played for half an hour on the swings with Mama and chatted to GD telling him big stories. Then she began banging the back door of the house, refused to put her shoes on, started throwing things and I knew she had gotten past it. Getting her into the car was a nightmare and once she was in and we were driving home she sucked hard on the dummy and hugged her pink hippo. We pulled up in the driveway and she wanted to stay in the car as she was obviously comfortable and very tired. She refused lunch, she drank a bottle and fell asleep on her bean bag in front of the TV.

I felt bad, I should have taken her home an hour earlier and given her a proper lunch. When she woke two hours later she was hot and sweaty and crying. She asked for Mama and GD. *sigh*

None of this is a big deal, none of this is anything special or out of the ordinary. I know all parents go through stages with their kids. It does make me feel better writing it down and sharing.

What's your childs obsession? 

Easter Done and Dusted.....

Easter weekend is done and dusted. It was busy.....hugely busy!

I sewed like mad.....

I worked at the shop on Saturday and it was flat out. I don't have any wool coats left thanks to the cold weather!

Eternal Creation Red Pure Wool Coat......honestly so gorgeous and kicking myself I didn't buy more!

I did the Beechworth Golden Horseshoe Night Market....

Unfortunately it was too damn cold and dark to take photo's but I at least did great sales in the first hour while it was still light and I sold my first Emily Kate Designs piece.....





We hunted for Easter Eggs....

We ate way too much chocolate.....

We played with cousins.....

And we made new best friends.....

We even managed a sleep in when Emily decided to sleep until 8:30am this morning! Now there's no more chocolate left, family and friends have gone home and tomorrow we'll return to work and day care.

This time next week I'll be madly packing and trying to get last minute things done for our big trip to Ireland. 





No Rest for The Wicked

What a great weekend! I got no housework, cooking or washing done. But I did have a great time!

It started with Saturday morning coffee and a trip to the hairdressers. I was so scared because it was Emily's first haircut and I knew we'd be cutting off the last of her baby hair. Why is this such a big deal? I think after she started toilet training early and because she is so physically advanced and big for her age (at 20 months she's 15kg and 90.5cm tall), cutting off her baby hair means that she's now a little girl and I kind of want to hold onto Baby Emily for just a little longer.

My little girl is a bit of a loner most of the time. She can be shy and doesn't like strangers or big crowds. So our plan was to just sit and chat in the hairdressers and if she seemed comfortable enough we would cut her hair. It worked a treat. She even thought sitting in the big chair by herself was great fun and happily let the girl cut her hair. Then she stood in front of the mirror for ages checking out her new do.

The only thing she didn't like was getting her photo taken.

Since that went so well we went off to see my friend Mrs Doodlebug who's husband had gone away for the weekend to a music festival and she had the two boys and her 8 month old (also named Emily) at home. We decided to go for a short walk to the main street of Wodonga as the Harmony Carnivale was on and there were loads of live music, art and market stalls.

First thing Mrs Doodlebugs boys did when we got there was run off so we spent the next half hour searching for them, prams in tow. After finding the boys (I managed to sneak an Organic Olive Tapanade purchase in) and giving them a stern talking to about not scaring their Mum like that again, we sat down for coffee and scones and watched the local primary schools music group perform some singing and dancing. Emily thought it was awesome fun and even got up on her chair and did dance moves I've never seen her do before. See what happens in childcare!

We went home for her midday nap and she slept for 3 hours! Whenever she does that it means she'll be up late that night (usual bedtime is 7pm) so I suggested to hubby that we head back to the Carnivale for a curry dinner and to watch the parade. Emily had a ball and we ran into loads of friends. It was such a great family atmosphere and I definitely think we'll go back next year. Emily even had some butter chicken from the Indian curry stand.

Today was always going to be busy. One of my oldest friends is due to have a baby next week and I wanted to catch up with her before she went in for her scheduled Cesar. She has a little girl 6 months older than Emily and I thought they could have a play together.

Well they didn't exactly play, they wanted everything each other had and there was scratching, biting and a bit of slapping involved. How ironic though that because Emily used the big toilet my friends little girl had to use it too. My friend says she can never get her girl to use the toilet and it's great that she wants to copy what Emily did. On the other hand Emily has never really been very social with other kids and after the initial squabbles, my friends little girl came over and gave Emily a hug and a kiss. Emily thought that was great and reciprocated. It was so sweet!

I can see these two being great friends when they get older, just like her Mum and I were at school.

So after I put Emily down for her midday nap I headed back into town with my Dad for a fun filled afternoon of putting up new shop fittings and re-merchandising the shelves. We still have a long way to go but the beginning of the shops transformation is now underway and it's so exciting.

Showing off my new Gaia Organic Cotton range.

So tomorrow I have Market Day at QEII Square in Albury and it's going to be fine and sunny so I'm hoping for a huge day. I have a stall going and just finished packing the car withy everything I think I'll need. The shop will also be open so fingers crossed we get loads of people with kids looking for baby or children's clothing.

I'm trying to think of something special to do with Emily on Wednesday as it's our new day together. I'll be in Melbourne buying on Friday, then another market on Sunday (which I haven't even sewed anything for yet!).

So with such a busy week ahead I better go get some shut eye.

How was your weekend? 

All My Friends are Having Baby's.....Wah!

All my friends are having baby's..........Wah!

Miss E is 20 months tomorrow. She's been sleeping well for the last week (that means 7ish pm to 5is am) and that means I'm forgetting the hard bits of the first year and remembering how gorgeous Miss E was and how precious she was when she was just born.

It's not helping me that I own a baby and kids clothing boutique. Every day I see newborns and baby's, pregnant women and gushing first time grandmothers telling me their daughter has just fallen pregnant and they just want to have a look. It doesn't help that every day I unpack, price and display beautiful, gorgeous, exquisite baby clothing and accessories that I wish I had someone to put them in. It seriously doesn't help that my Hubby is dead against having another baby.

For as long as I can remember I wanted kids. I always thought I'd be a young Mum with three kids by the time I was thirty. I didn't get married till I was 27 and by the time I was 30 we'd already done two years of IVF and I'd suffered a miscarriage on the one time we'd managed to get pregnant. By the age of 32 my ex-husband and I had spent over $20,000 on IVF, survived two miscarriages and then he ran off with another woman. Miscarriage, grief and money problems do terrible things to a man and although I'm not excusing what he did, I no longer hold bad feelings for him.

I met my now husband a year after I separated from my ex. He was here on holidays from Ireland and the attraction was instant for both of us (although he'll say he just liked my car). He had come out of a relationship 5 years earlier and he had two kids back in Ireland that he hardly saw (fathers don't have the same rights there as they do here). It was complicated and difficult but we were so in love. He was done having kids and I thought I wasn't capable of going full term so in a way I thought a man with existing children could somehow fill a void.

We married 6 months after we met. Admittedly he never asked me to marry him, we both wouldn't have gotten married at all if we didn't have to. It was the only way to stay together and I guess that was the most important thing, we wanted to be together.

Three months after we got married I fell pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, we just didn't take any precautions and left it up to the Gods. I remember seeing those two pink lines on the stick and I began shaking thinking this can't be true. I remember telling hubby when he got home from work and seeing both fear and excitement on his face.

I understand his fear. He has two beautiful children that he's been forced to let go of on the opposite side of the world and the fear of having another child and the relationship failing was almost too much to bare.

The pregnancy was awful to say the least. Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant the morning noon and night sickness began. I remember getting up at 3am for a boak and in the first trimester I lost 7kg.

At 32 weeks and 3 days after my baby shower I went into pre-term labour. It was one of the most scariest nights of my life. I was lucky enough to not have dilated at all and that basically kept baby in place. Lots of drugs and relaxation meant the labour stopped but I was kept in hospital until I reached 36 weeks. My blood pressure was dangerously low and i have a heart condition so I was constantly monitored. I had to beg the doctor at 34 weeks just to be allowed to have a walk around the hall of the maternity ward.

At 36 weeks I was finally allowed out of hospital and we had to move house (yes you read that right). It's a long story but basically our landlords decided to move back into their house right when we were due to have our baby. Anyway 3 days after we moved I went into labour. Off to the hospital we went on June 29th and I thought for sure this was it.

30 hours of labour later and I was only half a centimetre dilated. The fetal heart rate was dropping and she'd done her meconium and was in distress. The decision was made to do and emergency C-Section.

15 Minutes later and I was on the operating table. They pulled her out of me and there was no crying, no noise and everyone all of a sudden got very busy. I was told i had a girl. They rushed her to a table nearby and I remember seeing a blur of doctors and nurses around her. I told Hubby to stay with her no matter what, don't worry about me, just don't leave her alone. He watched on as they tried to breath life into this limp blue baby.

It seemed like and eternity waiting for something. I didn't even realise I was hemorrhaging and they were trying to fix me at the same time. Finally I heard a whimper, not a good cry but she was alive and breathing. They brought her to me for a few seconds to see, she looked like she was sleeping. But she was alive and we did it. We got through the pregnancy and the birth.

I went to recovery after they put me back together, but then I was sick, kept fainting and bleeding and so it was about five hours before they took me to Newborn Care and I finally got to meet my Emily.

Looking back it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. There are tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I type this because one, I know I'll never have to go through it again, and two, because I know I never could.

Six years ago I prayed. I said "if your there God, please just one, give me just one baby and I'll never ask for another". I don't know if "God" is real but I do know that I am blessed to have my one and only little girl.