Missing My Angel

It's my first weekend without Emily as she's gone to her Dad's for the next two nights. I have just realised that all my friends are either married and/or have children so distracting myself with dinner and drinks is not going to work.


Instead I'm sitting on the couch with the laptop, nursing a pretty bad chest infection (thanks for passing that on Em), and watching Masterchef. I'd be sipping some red wine too except for the heavy dose of anti-biotics I just took.....


On the one hand I'm really disappointed that I've no-one to hang out with this weekend, but on the other hand it'll be a nice break to be able to catch up on much needed sleep and get some work for the new shop done.


I'm missing Emily like crazy and every where I look there are reminders of her. The slippers she left in the middle of the lounge this morning when we were running out the door to childcare, the doll house she got for her birthday last weekend that still hasn't made it's way to her bedroom and the baby doll that she's been busy trying to change nappies with lying on one of the chairs.


Life will never bee the same now. Every second weekend I'll be missing my little girl. Every second weekend I'll be trying to fill my time with things to distract me.

But I'll adapt, and I'll get on with it because that's what I do.

Who else can rock red and purple together??

Derailed

I knew it would happen sooner or later. After the last couple of weeks, and the roller coaster that I've been on, I knew I would have to crash sometime.

This morning was the first time in years that I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm shaky and teary and it feels bloody awful.

I've tried to concentrate on work today but I can't seem to still my mind. Too many thoughts are racing around. I'm thinking about Emily and how she's doing, my plans for the shop, whether I'll ever sort things out with my husband, will he ever feel better, will I ever forgive him, can I do the next market, will I be able to hold it all together?

It's all too much. I need to be still. I need to just be for a bit. I need the mundane, the boring, the norm, just for a little while.

I probably need some extensive therapy but a single Mums pension doesn't allow for that. Instead I have wonderful friends and family who come to see me, send me text messages and call me on a daily basis to make sure I am OK. They offer support, advice when i want it and today a thoughtful friend convinced me to close the shop for an hour, take some time out and enjoy some lunch together. Just two girls, some good food and a glass of wine. Just what the doctor ordered.....

The End of a LOOOOOONG Week

Thank God this week is finally over.....except tomorrow is Monday.

I have just worked 7 days straight...again! Today I had the Little Me Markets and it was full on from the start.

My stall set-up

Gaia Organic Cotton

Skeanie & Walnut Melbourne Shoes

Natural Blossoms Skincare

Squiggle Pop

Lots of little things for little ones

Now I'm home and relaxing in front of The Voice with a lovely stir fry. Emily is sleeping soundly and I'm really looking forward to slowing down the pace in the next couple of weeks and having some completely normal housebound weekends with my baby. 

All The Small Things

It's funny how the small things in my life can bring me happiness at the moment.



Today Emily had her first hearing test and follow up to the grommets that were put in last Christmas. She of course passed with flying colors and will have another test and follow up in 6 months time. To celebrate I thought we should go check out the toy department at Big W. This also included a blackcurrant poppa (and I probably should have checked the ingredients before giving it to her).



Emily thought all her Christmas's had come at once, wandering through the isles and pulling balls off shelves whilst guzzling that artificially colored, sugar laiden drink down. Then she found the baby dolls. Actually it was a talking Baby Alive to be exact and some bright spark had turned it on. It must have had a motion detector in it because every time someone walks past it says or does something. Funny how they put it at the perfect height for Emily to find.



Anyway I managed to compromise with her and traded a $5 dolls outfit for her own "baby" and got the big talking doll back on the shelf.



Back at home later the effects of the poppa had fully kicked in and Emily was running around in circles around the lounge room. She also spent a good hour with my camera yelling at me to smile and say "cheese" before pretending to take my photo. I left the room for two minutes and Emily had managed to tip all the clean, freshly folded clothes out of the washing basket and was putting my tracksuit pants on her head when I came back.

Why can't you go out in a t-shirt as a skirt, Dora slippers and an evening bag?

What the hell do they put in those things? You'd think she'd just snorted an ounce of cocaine the way she sped around the house! 


Finally a reprieve with a bottle of milk and her "baby" had to have one too. It was very cute. 

With everything going on, both at home and the shop, it's moments like these that give me joy and remind me why I'm working so hard. This precious little girl is my everything. 

Moving

Wholly crap what a week! 


I have been struggling to come to terms with what's been happening and I've been going insane not being able to blog because we moved house on the weekend and there is still no internet connection. 


I'm taking five minutes out today to write something because I just need to get some shit out. 


So we moved on the weekend. It was sad and I didn't want to do it. People keep asking how's the new place and am I happy. the answer is no, I'm not happy. I want my almost perfect life back. I had a wonderful husband and a fantastic big dreamy house with enough room that I could have my own sewing/creative room and Emily had a big back yard to play in. Now it's just me and her in a little 2 bedroom unit and I'm doing everything on my own. 


Well not entirely on my own. My Uncle John drove an hour and a half from his place to help me and Dad load furniture all day Saturday. Mum looked after Emily all weekend and has been there every time I've needed a shoulder to cry on or to help me tackle the groceries with a toddler. My family has been fabulous. 


It's night time that's the worst. I'm lonely, I'm bored. No internet means I can't just blog away because tackling that keyboard on the iPhone does my head in. I've sent the iPhone battery dead every night this week reading my favourite blogs and wishing I could comment on the posts. 


I get random text messages from him asking about irrelevant things like what did Emily eat for dinner and why did I change our marital status on Facebook? He's stressing over the little things again and I've had to tell him to give me space. 


My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm disappointed, I'm revealed that he's finally admitted to having a problem, I'm hopeful of a resolution and a reunion. 


I'm grateful to all my wonderful friends who near and far have been a great support. One friend sent me this today and it was just so true I had to share it with you. 

I think I'm definitely in the one week later stage. Lets hope I look like the girl with arms outstretched months later. I think if nothing else this picture shows how resilient women are. We can do anything and we can also be a great support to each other. 

A Really Shitty Night

What do you do when your pleasant life starts to fall apart?

Tonight I came home from work and my lovely world was rocked to the core. I can't say how as I don't know if it's a permanent or temporary situation and I have to consider that family members may read this.

More so I just can't sleep right now as I have too many thoughts going through my head. How will I get over this? How will I forgive? Will life ever be the same? How will I protect my daughter? How will I survive?

I've never been good with bad news. I'm the type of person who has to talk through their problems in order to accept the outcome and right now there is no one to talk to. Right now I'm sitting alone in my lounge room wondering what I'm going to do.

The only positive I'm holding onto is that the news is only a maybe and hopefully not a definite. there is a glimmer of hope that it will never happen if some steps, difficult steps, are taken and issues worked through.

I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but I do feel like I've just been able to share my woes with a friend, even if that friend is just my laptop. For that I'm grateful.

The Smack

Did you watch 60 minutes last night? I did and I wasn't shocked at all by the amount of debate it has raised today.

The story was whether or not we should smack our children. If you missed the story you can watch it here....
http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/stories/8465814/the-smack 

After this story I had to admit I was torn on the issue. I admit I have smacked Emily. This is not something I'm proud of. As a parent you can sometimes feel at your wits end repeatedly saying no over and over again with no positive response. Sometimes she would even look at me and laugh. I justified in my head that smacking was OK if she was going to hurt herself (i.e. strangle herself with the blind cord or burn herself on the stove).

After watching last nights show I really sat down and thought hard about when I smacked Emily, why I smacked her and what effect it had on her.

Hubby hardly ever smacks Emily. When he says no she listens. Why is that? Why is it that when I say no she pushes and pushes until she's pushed all my buttons?

I thought about the various types of punishments we have dished out in our house and what has worked most effectively. At the moment the 1,2,3 and then a time out in her room seems to be the most effective. My hubby likes to hold her close when she's having a tantrum and remove her from the room until she's calmed down and initially I thought this was awful. I'd watch her scream and squirm in his arms completely frustrated. However it works. Eventually she stops and now he only has to say a stern "no!" and she stops the bad behaviour as she knows Dad means business. Geez I hate it when he's right!

I thought about Emily's response each time I smacked her and the first time I did it she was shocked (and so was I) and she cried. Now days she either bites or scratches me in return so I think what I've taught her is that it's OK to be violent when you don't like something.

Looking back on last nights program there was a young man who was featured in a 60 Minutes program some years ago on the same subject. His Mum consistently hit him with a spatula and his response years later was very interesting and thought provoking. He said that he found it hard to respect someone who didn't respect him as a child. He felt she didn't respect him because she hit him. She pointed out that they are from different generations and would naturally disagree on this issue. This may be true. But she inadvertently pointed out that as the new generation of parents we can learn from our parents mistakes.

I remember when I was 12 or 13 I was really testing the boundaries with my parents. I would sneak out, deliberately disobey, play one of against the other. I was a mean, mean girl who had lots of hormonal angst and God help me if Emily does to me what I did to them! (She probably will and more since I believe in Karma) This one particular day I had my mother in tears and my father just couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed my arm and smacked me hard. This was probably the second or third time I was ever smacked (and the last) and my response was to run away. Probably not the response my parents hoped for. They wanted me to behave. Instead I did the opposite and ran from the house and kept going until I'd walked right across town and to a friends house. Obviously my friends mother did the only responsible thing she could do and called my parents who immediately came and got me. I look back on that moment now and think I must have pushed them beyond their boundaries to feel they had no other option but to smack me. However I also know that the smack didn't get the positive response they wanted from me.

Physics law says if you put a positive and a positive together you get a positive. If you put a negative and a negative you get a negative. It makes sense that if I want a positive response from my child I should use positive reinforcement.

How do you discipline your child? I'm really interested to know what other Mums and Dads do and does it work?

One Day at a Time

It was an absolutely huge market day and I wish I had of grabbed some photo's, but honestly it was just too busy!

It started at 5:30am with a toddler who decided it was time to get up and sang "mummy mummy mummy" for about 1/2 an hour before I finally dragged my tired ass out of bed.

After that it was go, go, go setting up my market stall and opening the shop for the annual Traders Market Day in Albury. Because we're a twin city with Albury on the NSW side and Wodonga on the VIC side, half the population got the day off with VIC Labour Day and they all came over for a family fun day at QEII Square.

All I can say is it was hugely busy, although I would have liked to be busier. I did better than this time last year but not as good as two years ago. Considering I now have new kid's clothing and shoes in the shop whereas last year there was only recycled kids clothing, I expected a much bigger days trade. But I guess with all the flooding and economy worries, a lot of people weren't spending.

Hubby picked up Emily who hardly slept today and was really grumpy so I decided we needed fish and chips for dinner as I just couldn't deal with sore feet, a grumpy toddler, a frustrated hubby and cooking tonight. But now I feel sooooo guilty that I ate all those chips. It's always when your busy and tired that you give in and go for the easy take away option. To make matters worse I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Looser and all the ads in between are weight loss program ads like Lite 'n' Easy and Weight Watchers!

Tomorrow morning I have to meet with the creative team from Aus Stereo to create my new radio ad. I've been trying to think of something creative and punchy that really gets the message about the shop across to my customers. I'm changing everything about the shop except the name and I'm trying hard to pick up those customers that never came in before because they only bought new and up-market brands. It's really hard changing the reputation of an existing business. When your a new business you have no reputation and so people naturally come in to see the new kid on the block. But when your an existing business and you already have a particular reputation, it is that much harder to convince people to come in and see what's new.

I think this week is going to be a "one day at a time" week. I literally have something major on every day and no time for rest. Here's hoping next week is a little less stressful!

The reason for everything I do......

No Rest for The Wicked

What a great weekend! I got no housework, cooking or washing done. But I did have a great time!

It started with Saturday morning coffee and a trip to the hairdressers. I was so scared because it was Emily's first haircut and I knew we'd be cutting off the last of her baby hair. Why is this such a big deal? I think after she started toilet training early and because she is so physically advanced and big for her age (at 20 months she's 15kg and 90.5cm tall), cutting off her baby hair means that she's now a little girl and I kind of want to hold onto Baby Emily for just a little longer.

My little girl is a bit of a loner most of the time. She can be shy and doesn't like strangers or big crowds. So our plan was to just sit and chat in the hairdressers and if she seemed comfortable enough we would cut her hair. It worked a treat. She even thought sitting in the big chair by herself was great fun and happily let the girl cut her hair. Then she stood in front of the mirror for ages checking out her new do.

The only thing she didn't like was getting her photo taken.

Since that went so well we went off to see my friend Mrs Doodlebug who's husband had gone away for the weekend to a music festival and she had the two boys and her 8 month old (also named Emily) at home. We decided to go for a short walk to the main street of Wodonga as the Harmony Carnivale was on and there were loads of live music, art and market stalls.

First thing Mrs Doodlebugs boys did when we got there was run off so we spent the next half hour searching for them, prams in tow. After finding the boys (I managed to sneak an Organic Olive Tapanade purchase in) and giving them a stern talking to about not scaring their Mum like that again, we sat down for coffee and scones and watched the local primary schools music group perform some singing and dancing. Emily thought it was awesome fun and even got up on her chair and did dance moves I've never seen her do before. See what happens in childcare!

We went home for her midday nap and she slept for 3 hours! Whenever she does that it means she'll be up late that night (usual bedtime is 7pm) so I suggested to hubby that we head back to the Carnivale for a curry dinner and to watch the parade. Emily had a ball and we ran into loads of friends. It was such a great family atmosphere and I definitely think we'll go back next year. Emily even had some butter chicken from the Indian curry stand.

Today was always going to be busy. One of my oldest friends is due to have a baby next week and I wanted to catch up with her before she went in for her scheduled Cesar. She has a little girl 6 months older than Emily and I thought they could have a play together.

Well they didn't exactly play, they wanted everything each other had and there was scratching, biting and a bit of slapping involved. How ironic though that because Emily used the big toilet my friends little girl had to use it too. My friend says she can never get her girl to use the toilet and it's great that she wants to copy what Emily did. On the other hand Emily has never really been very social with other kids and after the initial squabbles, my friends little girl came over and gave Emily a hug and a kiss. Emily thought that was great and reciprocated. It was so sweet!

I can see these two being great friends when they get older, just like her Mum and I were at school.

So after I put Emily down for her midday nap I headed back into town with my Dad for a fun filled afternoon of putting up new shop fittings and re-merchandising the shelves. We still have a long way to go but the beginning of the shops transformation is now underway and it's so exciting.

Showing off my new Gaia Organic Cotton range.

So tomorrow I have Market Day at QEII Square in Albury and it's going to be fine and sunny so I'm hoping for a huge day. I have a stall going and just finished packing the car withy everything I think I'll need. The shop will also be open so fingers crossed we get loads of people with kids looking for baby or children's clothing.

I'm trying to think of something special to do with Emily on Wednesday as it's our new day together. I'll be in Melbourne buying on Friday, then another market on Sunday (which I haven't even sewed anything for yet!).

So with such a busy week ahead I better go get some shut eye.

How was your weekend? 

A Girl Needs Her Mummy - Even in Her 30's

Today was day two at the new Day Care centre. It is seriously amazing how much better I already feel about them looking after Miss E. OK so this morning wasn't the best drop I've ever done but at least when I picked her up this afternoon I got information I needed to help me cope with her when I got home.

Case in point..... Miss E only slept for 50 minutes today because she has a cough and it woke her up. As a result of not getting enough sleep she was grizzly and wanted lots of comforting this afternoon and because this centre had more staff than the government requires it means she actually got cuddles. In fact she was getting them when i turned up at 5pm to pick her up.

When I dropped Miss E off this morning she was distressed to say the least. She had her arms and legs wrapped firmly around me and was not letting go. I love that the girls help with things like this. I handed her over feeling guilty as hell that I was leaving her like this. I quickly escaped the center and jumped in the car. Breathing heavy and trying to hold back the tears i must have sat outside for at least a couple of minutes. The Director came running out and tapped on my window and told me not to worry, she had already calmed down and they were about to do some dancing which is one of her favourite things.

At the old centre none if this sort of thing happened. There was no information at the end of the day so you go home wondering why your child is clingy and cranky and climbing the walls. If there's a bump or bruise you have to ask, not be told or called and incident reports were always late.

My parents also returned from their holiday in NZ today. I can't believe I'm in my 30's and need them this much but I was so relieved they came home today. Miss E is spending all day with her "Mama" tomorrow and she's already excited. It's a relief for me too as I had no casual to work in the shop tomorrow and no childcare available.

Amazing also that all my anxiety over what was happening with the shop when we go to Ireland was releived by Mum offering to work there while I'm away so I don't have to pay wages (that i can't yet afford). Dad said he'd come in one night and put up the new fittings that I've had trouble getting to and i booked someone to train with me on Friday so I can have a regular Wednesday girl and not worry about Miss E being away from me 5 days a week again.

I know I'm in a blessed situation with my family support and not everyone has it like I do. So I thank the Gods, stars and higher beings for giving me this opportunity and now I just hope I can make them proud by making my business a big success.

The Follow Up

Well I wish I could say today went well but I was left feeling so frustrated. You see having your own business and raising a child comes at a price. Had I had the choice I would have pulled Miss E out of daycare today but I can't just close the shop or I loose customers and I'm still trying to build my business. My husband works in health care and he was flat out all day, but managed to pick her up a bit earlier than usual.

At least I can be happy that her two usual carers were back today and she seemed to be happy when we picked up and there were no further scratches or incidents.

What I was so frustrated at was the Director of the centre calling me to explain what happened. She said she had conflicting stories from the casuals and permanent staff that were on yesterday, that it appears there were two separate incidents resulting in the injuries and that the casual looking after Miss E couldn't write well enough to fill out an incident report form on her own so she was waiting to fill it out with one of the permanent staff.

Infuriating! I lost it. And I have to say I think I did well to not swear once.

I told her that the center was her responsibility and the quality of care given at the centre fell directly on her shoulders. It was her job to ensure policies and procedures are being followed, to hire qualified staff and make sure carer to child ratios are adhered to. I told her that after five separate incidents where procedures weren't followed, ratio's weren't adhered to and my child was injured in all of these, she was clearly not doing her job properly. She muttered something about continuing her investigation and hung up.

I rang DOCS and waited on hold for 45 minutes before hanging up because I had customers. No wonder so many child abuse cases don't get reported.

I called the Head Office of the center in Sydney and was put on hold before getting a recorded message asking me to leave my name, number and center I was calling about and they would call me back.

I called my hubby who said he would go get her and see if he can take her to work for a while tomorrow and do some work from home so she didn't have to go back.

Tomorrow I go to Sydney for my first ever kids fashion trade show. I've been looking forward to it since halfway through last year. I'm so frustrated with Miss E's childcare that instead of thinking about all the things I need to do tomorrow I became consumed with the childcare issue.

How hubby makes sure our baby is being well looked after........

This is what I know. Tomorrow she'll be fine because she'll either be with her Daddy or with her usual carer and the Director is probably shitting (oops) her pants by now so they won't want to make another error like Wednesday. Next week she does orientation at her new daycare and I hope she'll love it there.

Tomorrow I'm off to Sydney and I've booked an apartment in the city with a spa and I intend to make good use of the relaxation and good nights sleep I'll get.

Tonight I better get my butt in bed..........

My Sensitive Soul

I've just read a post by Mrs Woog about her son and his feelings about his new class and it's made me think about my own little miss.

I was a very independent child who could always walk into a room full of strangers and just start talking away about whatever was going on in my head at the time. It got me in trouble on more than one occasion.

My little Miss E on the other hand is very different to that. She is clingy and sensitive and doesn't like disruption to her routine. She gets very attached to her carers at childcare and if a new person comes in she freaks out.

Last weekend we went to a birthday party. It was only the second one we've been too since I lost my mothers group when we moved to Albury. The party was for the three year old child of a friend of mine so when we arrived there were about 30 kids running around in the play centre. Miss E totally lost it. She clung to me like glue, arms and legs wrapped tightly around me and any attempt at putting her down resounded with "no, no, no!"

Luckily we were late and they were up to cutting the cake so while all the kids went into the food room to sing happy birthday, Miss E and I had the bouncy castle all to ourselves. At first she just stood on it looking scared while I made a complete fool of myself leaning onto it (because the age limit is 8) and saying "Oooohhh, aaaahhhh, c'mon jump!" and holding her hands attempting to get her to jump. After a couple of minutes she moved, then tried to jump, then giggled, jumped again and before you knew it she was having a great time.

The other kids came out of the food room one by one after about half an hour so by then we had moved to the slippery slide and she was pretty calm. About 10 minutes before the party ended Miss E decided it was safe to play with the other kids.

I know now that I should get to a party early so Miss E has time to gradually get used to the kids arriving and is not overwhelmed by huge crowds. I also know I may have to ease her into playing with others and be aware when things might change to help her adjust.

Parenting is definitely challenging. I have very little patience and Miss E challenges that every day. Maybe that's why we were put together. She teaches me to be patient and I teach her confidence.

By the way Mrs Woog from Woogsworld is up for a Bloggie. I think she's awesome and if you agree you should definitely vote for her at http://2012.bloggi.es/